Life, Love & Lunacy

MERRY CHRISTMAS

2009-12-25T08:07:00.000-08:00

Yes, I know it's been a long time since I've posted to this blog. I'll give you the quick & dirty explanation soon. Today is Christmas, though. I found this great video at Fox News so am copying it here for your enjoyment today. I will continue the blog tomorrow and, hopefully, take it in a somewhat new direction. So. . . stay tuned. . . and have a WONDERFUL Christmas!

FOUR IS THE LONELIEST NUMBER

2009-07-20T21:52:00.000-07:00

Many years ago, the band "Three Dog Night" sang a song called One or One is the Loneliest Number. Take your pick. It's at the bottom of this post and guess what year this clip is from? 1969. Are we on a roll here or what? That's the end of my humor for tonight. Sorry.

Be that as it may, I learned the hard way that four, NOT one, is the loneliest number for our family. This past Saturday, my daughter got a four-hour pass from the psychiatric hospital she's currently committed to. We managed to get both boys together and we all went to see a movie as a five-member family again. We've been five for a long time. We're actually six, but that's a story for another time and place, if ever. It's been IvesFives for many, many years. Saturday, IvesFives rode again. It was only for a few short hours, but it was wonderful. Everyone was in a good mood. The kids got along really, really well. We had tons of laughs, too much movie junk and just a super fantastic time. We saw Public Enemies. For those who might not know, that's the Johnny Depp flick about John Dillinger. It wasn't my cup of tea, but the kids wanted to see it and because everyone was so dang happy, I thoroughly enjoyed it in spite of myself.

I have written before about how difficult it is to leave her every time they lock the door behind us. This time it was almost more than I could bear. Things were so good for just a few hours. I'm a realist. I know that if we were allowed to take her home, at this point, things would seriously deteriorate once again. My brain knows that. My heart wants to control/alt/delete that knowledge. We were a somber bunch when the four of us got back in that van for what seemed like an awfully long ride home.

This song was playing in my head all the way back. It's a good song. For me, though, four will forever be the loneliest number. I can't wait for the five of us to be together again. . . for as long as forever can be with teenagers. I need it. Ray needs it. The boys need it. And Lil needs it, too, whether or not she believes it right now. She will. That is my most fervent prayer. Enjoy the song.

OVER THE MOON

2009-07-20T07:29:00.001-07:00

Yeah, I know I already posted about the Lunar Landing 40 years ago, but today is the actual anniversary and this article brings up a few interesting points. I didn't know about the lawsuit that kept Buzz Aldrin from reading scripture during the landing. . . hmmm. Apparently, though, he was going to have his own celebration and brought along a Communion kit! It's pretty heady stuff, so read on. . .

Remembering the First Moon Walk—40 Years Ago

Aimee Herd/Op-ed (July 20, 2009)

"And when you look up to the sky and see the sun, the moon and the stars—all the Heavenly array—do not be enticed into bowing down to them and worshiping things the LORD your God has apportioned to all the nations under Heaven." –Deuteronomy 4:19

EDITOR'S NOTE: Although Dr. Buzz Aldrin was prevented from publicly reading Scripture while he took communion in the Lunar Module, he did manage to quote Psalm 8: 3-4 "When I consider Thy Heavens, the work of Thy fingers, the moon and the stars, which Thou has ordained; What is man that Thou art mindful of him? And the Son of Man, that Thou visitest him?" just before splashing down at the end of the Apollo 11 mission. –Aimee Herd, BCN.

For those of us who were old enough to comprehend what we, and the rest of the world, were intently watching on TV the evening of July 20, 1969—it was a day like no other. It was, of course, the day Astronaut Neil Armstrong stepped down the short ladder of the lunar landing module, and onto the surface of the moon for the very first time. (Photo: History Channel)

We squinted in attempts to bring into better focus the black and white images being beamed from our planet's encircling rock some 238,900 miles away. …A gleaming white space suit and helmet, bouncing, skipping and hopping on top of the dusty lunar ground. …The blackness of pure space in surrounding contrast.

All in all it was a pretty remarkable transmission for 1969.

Although I was only 8, I clearly remember the circumstances that put me in front of a TV that day. My parents, siblings and I were on vacation, traveling by car to our next destination in the barren "high desert" country of central-eastern Oregon. Since anything to do with space travel was a very big deal in our family (On several different occasions I remember the thrill of getting up in the middle of the night just to watch TV coverage of previous Apollo rockets' various "separation" stages); stopping some place where we'd be able to view Apollo 11's anticipated lunar landing was imperative.

Fortunately, at just about the "scheduled" time, we found a tiny restaurant with a TV in the bar. The law would not permit children to enter, but my father came to my rescue and sat me atop his shoulders so I could see over the swinging half-doors.

The moonwalk had center stage that day, as the bar fell silent, and restaurant patrons crowded in for a closer view. I watched the entire momentous event while piggyback on my daddy; keenly aware that I was witnessing history in the making.

Interestingly enough, Astronaut Buzz Aldrin had secretly taken along a communion kit, specially prepared by his church, so he could take communion there in the Lunar Module. It was kept secret due to the impending lawsuit brought against NASA after Astronauts Jim Lovell, William Anders and Frank Borman—a year earlier—had read the creation story from the book of Genesis on Christmas Eve, during the Apollo 8 mission. (Photo: History Channel)

Dr. Aldrin had prepared to read John 15:5 ("…I am the vine, you are the branches. Whoever remains in Me, and I in him, will bear much fruit; for you can do nothing without Me.") back to Earth, but—at NASA's request—ended up just reading what he'd written on a note card: "Houston, this is Eagle the LM Pilot speaking. I would like to request a few moments of silence. Over. I would like to invite each person listening in, wherever and whomever he may be, to contemplate for a moment the events of the past few hours and to give thanks in his own individual way—My way shall be by partaking of the elements of Holy Communion."

Aldrin's church which had prepared his communion kit, reportedly still holds a special "Lunar Communion" service on the Sunday closest to the moonwalk anniversary.

This year is the 40th anniversary of the "giant leap for mankind," and it got me thinking about what it meant for Neil Armstrong, and Buzz Aldrin to actually walk on the moon, and return home to Earth. …And about what we, who remained here, have taken from the experience.

Perhaps Neil summed it up well when he described looking at Earth from his spacecraft saying, "It suddenly struck me that that tiny pea, pretty and blue, was the Earth. I put up my thumb and shut one eye, and my thumb blotted out the planet Earth. I didn't feel like a giant. I felt very, very small."

Awe.

Awe for the incredible beauty of God's creation, and awe for the incomprehensible immensity of God, Himself.

He gives us the curiosity to explore, the creativity and knowledge needed to accomplish, and He lets us see—in doing so—that He is still so much bigger, and absolutely omniscient.

For those who are interested, the History Channel is airing the 2-hour program, MOONSHOT, for the 40th anniversary commemoration of the first moonwalk today; Monday, July 20th at 8PM ET.

For more information, follow the link provided.

Source: History Channel, National Geographic

1969 REDUX

2009-07-18T18:39:00.001-07:00

Cindy gave me an idea. . . go hunting for some music from 1969. There was one other thing I forgot to mention about the summer of '69. . . Woodstock! I graduated high school about an hour from Max Yasgur's farm. Let's leave it at that. heh-heh-heh Woodstock, to me, means one thing. . . great music! I found some clips from the actual happening, but they were very long. Here's some of what was going on during that year. First, Crosby, Stills & Nash.

When this album (yeah, album, NOT CD :) came out, I think I put holes in the vinyl on several copies. Don't know why, but their harmony appealed to me. Then Neil Young joined in. . . hmmm. This is Teach Your Children. I liked the sound of the studio clip better than the live ones.

Even though the acid rock "stuff" was taking over, there were still a few great ballads being sung. This guy's voice used to really get to me. Here's Johnny Maestro & The Brooklyn Bridge singing It's the Worst That Could Happen. The live clip was wild with the costumes and all, but I couldn't embed it. :(

In 1969, if you had told me I would even think about liking country music, I would've slapped you! But I dearly loved CCR, Credence Clearwater Revival. This is John Fogerty and the CCR guys doing Proud Mary, a big hit that year.

That was fun. Maybe one day I'll pick another year that was important in my life. . . like when I got married in 1972 and see what's on the Top 100 list. Thanks for the great idea, Cindy!

THE SUMMER OF '69

2009-07-18T06:13:00.000-07:00

How much do you remember about the Summer of '69? I know, I know. . . a lot of you weren't even born yet. It was the year I graduated high school. (SHOCK, HORROR, GASP!) That summer sticks in my mind for two reasons: (1) Chappaquiddick (and I won't go there right now); and (2) The landing on the moon. I remember being glued to the radio (whuzzat, eh? :) and television for reports and any available pictures. 24-hour TV news did not exist back then. I also remember all the radio and TV stations having contests to guess what the first words spoken on the moon would be. Do you know? Leave a comment with the correct wording. And, yes, I remember them well. :)

Here's something else going on around the important July '69 anniversary.

Apollo Astronaut Announces New Pro-Life AD Centered around Historic Moonwalk

Aimee Herd/Dr. Joseph Kerwin (July 18, 2009)

"This historic anniversary is a perfect opportunity to show America, and the world, the power of every human life."

Speaking for the organization, CatholicVote.org, former Astronaut, Dr. Joseph Kerwin introduces their latest pro-life ad which is centered around the Apollo 11 Moonwalk. View this poignant video message at the link provided. Dr. Kerwin's introduction follows…

"…our nation [is celebrating] the 40th anniversary of the historic mission of Apollo 11 to the moon. While I never personally made it to the moon, I was privileged to serve as the first American doctor in space with Skylab 2.

"I am honored to announce the launch of a new ad from CatholicVote.org.

"I [recently appeared] alongside other retired astronauts along with CatholicVote.org President Brian Burch at a press conference in Houston. The reason for the media event was that the new CatholicVote.org ad would be running regularly on local Houston television stations for the next several weeks.

"Joining me at the press conference were retired astronaut Dr. Bill Thornton, and Mr. Gene Kranz—the Flight Director at Mission Control during the Apollo program, including the famous Apollo 13 mission. Mr. Kranz was played by Ed Harris in the 1995 Oscar award winning film.

"CatholicVote.org's new ad is already creating buzz in Houston, and I can't wait for the rest of the country to celebrate the 40th Anniversary of Apollo 11 with it.

"[On Monday] media outlets around the world will commemorate the historic achievement of Apollo 11. The courage and dedication of the astronauts aboard Apollo 11, and hundreds of others involved in our nation's space program make me proud of our great country.

"But most importantly, the achievements of the space program remind me of the potential of every human life. This historic anniversary is a perfect opportunity to show America, and the world, the power of every human life."

View the CatholicVote.org AD by accessing the link provided.

Source: CatholicVote.org

PLEASE PRAY FOR NOAH

2009-07-16T18:24:00.000-07:00

I have been following a blog by a dear Christian couple, Kate & Jeff Estes. One of their children, Noah, has mitochondrial disease. You can go read up on this at your leisure but, suffice it to say, it's dangerous, life-consuming and there is no cure. He's such a cute little thing, around 3 years old, I think. They have a lot of kids. Still, these two never fail to amaze me in their capacity to love them all and still take care of Noah, which is two full-time jobs in itself!

Right now, Noah is facing another very serious health crisis and is headed back to the hospital. Would you please send up prayers for this sweet baby? Noah has endured more in his short life than most of us will ever be asked to in a million years. Here's the blog address:

http://www.homeschoolblogger.com/ourquiverfull

Leave a comment, provided you can uplift and edify these Godly but worn-out parents. Kate reads every one while she's in the hospital with Noah and they give her comfort. Recently, there have been some less than Godly comments so, please, let's get on there and lift these sweet folks up.

WORDY WEDNESDAY

2009-07-14T20:48:00.000-07:00

HELP!!! This blog has, once again, been hijacked by Ethel the Editor! This memo just "appeared" in the middle of the night:

TO: Carla

FROM: Ethel the Editor

SUBJECT: Wordy Wednesday

Carla, I liked doing the last Wordy Wednesday so much, I decided to do it again. . . AND I decided to take over JoJo's blog for the day, too! Just wanted you to know there is absolutely NOTHING you can do about it either. Nyah, nyah, nyah, NYAH, nyah!!! I posted five E-words to JoJo's blog, but I was really clever and didn't give her the answers. I may not even post them here. I may just FORCE them to go to an online dictionary to get the meanings of these fantastic E-words. . . or leave them hanging. Why E-words? Well, ETHEL begins with E, doesn't it? HAH HAH HAH Now get out of my way while I 'splain these E-words to the folks. Wonder if JoJo finally figured them out. Oh, BTW, if you don't let me have this blog next Wednesday, I'm just gonna shove you out of the way and take it. . . so there!!! I guess I should give your readers the meanings to these words, huh? Okay, I'll be nice. EE

(1) Epexegesis (ep ek si jee sis) The addition of a word or words to explain a preceding word, or a word or phrase added for such a purpose. Epexegetic and Epexegetical are both valid adjective forms.

(2) Epigone (EP-i-goan) A mediocre imitation or follower of an important artist, writer, etc.

(3) Epigeal (ep-i-JEE-uhl) Living close to the ground, as certain plants do.

(4) Exiguous (ig-ZIG-yoo-us) Extremely scanty or meager.

(5) Expunge (ek spunj) To erase, strike or wipe out, destroy or obliterate.

NOTE TO ETHEL, THE USURPER: Actually, I knew them all except Number 1. Now I know Number 1, too! (giggles wildly while making appropriate raspberries at Ethel!!!) C

Okay, folks. . . let's not let Ethel have ALL the fun. How many can you use in a sentence and. . . I dare ya. . . can you put them all together? Where are the super creative (read that warped) minds out there? Leave a comment here or on JoJo's blog.

QUESTION OF THE WEEK

2009-07-13T07:18:00.000-07:00

It's Monday. UGH!!! In our case, though, I'm very glad the weekend is over. Wasn't one of our best. So. . . on to something a little different.

Most of our readers know that I co-host a weekly podcast with a wonderful lady named JoJo Tabares. JoJo has a great blog and, every Monday, she posts a thought-provoking question to get those brain cells out of weekend mode. So I'm going to post her question here for everyone's consideration. Then I'll go post my link to her blog in an attempt to d-r-a-g folks over here. ROFLOL Here's today's question:

What are the three words that best describe you?

This is a challenge. If you don't think so, try it. You are made up of so many pieces and parts that it can be difficult to describe yourself using just three words. If you find this a difficult challenge, it is. You may be sitting behind your computer thinking that you just don't know the answer. But to quote JoJo's DH, Rich, "If you did know, what would they be?" :)

I have to admit to this being really difficult for me, but it's my turn to start, right? I would say:

(1) Loquacious. . . meaning I talk too much;
(2) Loyal. . . meaning once you are my friend, even if you murder someone, I'll be one of your regular visitors while you're in prison; and
(3) Old-fashioned. . . meaning I like things the way they were better than the way they are. What kinds of things? Oh, things like the Constitution, actual education being taught in schools rather than political correctness, people staying married once they decide to get that way. . . that kind of stuff. And, yes, I'm old so I have a lot more to remember than most of you. Does this mean I want to go back? Not really. I would just prefer a lot less change in certain areas. Some old things are worth keeping. (like moi. . . . nudge, nudge, wink, wink :)

Now it's YOUR turn. Leave a comment with the three words that describe YOU!!! I can't wait to read your answers. If you have your own blog, post your answer on your own blog, if you'd like, and then post the link here so we can all go visit!

Let's have a happy, fun Monday instead of the. . . well, you know. . . the regular kind.

FOR ALL THOSE WHO ARE STRUGGLING

2009-07-11T10:17:00.000-07:00

NEW FEATURE: WORDY WEDNESDAY

2009-07-08T03:44:00.001-07:00

Today, Ethel the Editor, my alter ego on the Grace Talk Soup Podcast, is taking over this blog. I have seen some great posts on Wordless Wednesdays. Well, since Ethel likes to talk. . . a lot. . . Life, Love & Lunacy will be featuring Wordy Wednesdays! Ethel loves words. All kinds of words. She collects them. Today's words are words that are a little offbeat and featured solely because Ethel likes the sound of them! And away we go. . .

Word No. 1 FOOFARAW (Ethel's favorite silly word :) )

foofaraw \FOO-fuh-raw\ (noun) - 1 : Excessive or flashy ornamentation or decoration. 2 : A fuss over a matter of little importance.

Word No. 2 BOMBINATE (Yeah, let's go bombinate sumpin'!!!)

bombinate \BOM-buh-nayt\ (intransitive verb) - To buzz; to hum; to drone.

Word No. 3 BROBDINGNAGIAN (Dontcha just LUV this one???)

Brobdingnagian (brob-ding-NAG-ee-uhn) adjective

Of gigantic size. [After Brobdingnag, the fictional region where everything was enormous, in Jonathan Swift's satire Gulliver's Travels.]

All right, ladies and germs. . . let's get out there and use these properly in a sentence! Reply on this blog and let's see how creative you can be!!! Silly sentences acceptable. . . AND desired!

Ethel the Editor. . . over and out!

LEAVING LIL

2009-07-06T16:53:00.000-07:00

Several of you have contacted me asking what's going on with the family, i.e. Lil. I haven't said much to date, because things were up in the air. Now that they are slowly settling, here's what's been going on in our household.

If you go back to June, you will find the post entitled PAIN. This will give you Chapter 1 of Lil's story. The incident described in that blog entry happened on the overnight of June 5/6. She was released on the 12th and referred to a partial program, meaning home nights and weekends, but bussed to a day program. She made it through that program for four whole days before she exploded on the overnight of June 22/23, June 23rd being my mom's birthday. SIGH This time, it was ugly. . . really ugly. We couldn't contain her, could barely hold onto her. I called the crisis center while Ray held onto her flailing form. They heard her screaming in the background and told me to simply call the cops and have her taken back to the locked program. We did. She gave the State Trooper an earful when he arrived. He wasn't having any of it. He bundled her up into the ambulance and off she went. This time, we followed the ambulance and then began about 9 hours of hurry up and wait. We got home somewhere around 4AM the morning of the 23rd.

The first few days were rough. She didn't want to see us or have anything to do with us. It started overnight Monday/Tuesday. On Friday, she decided she did want to see us so we visited daily for that weekend. On Monday, they told us they were sure she couldn't come home, but our insurance wouldn't cover a longer stay so. . . they held her on an involuntary commitment order until they could decide what to do for her. At the other end of the hospital floor is an intermediate unit. They wanted to put her there, but they didn't have an approval. Then they started talking about sending her 3 hours away from here. . . one way! I was like. . . OH, NO, YOU DON'T!!! They think she has abandonment issues now??? We would be able to go up there maybe once or twice a month. Uh-uh. Was only going to happen literally over my dead body! On Tuesday, we got a call that a bed on the intermediate unit may be opening up. They confirmed it later that evening. She was to be moved on Thursday, July 2nd.

I arrived at the unit at 10:30 on the 2nd, filled out the discharge paperwork, went downstairs to have her readmitted, went back up for hours of intake and financial meetings. . . and then, home. This unit is for those kids who are being rehabilitated to come home or go to a group home, but not for awhile. The minimum stay is one month; max is one year. After the interviews, they told me they are estimating approximately 3 months for Lil, at which time she will be discharged back into a partial program again. I have no say in this. She belongs partly to the State of New Jersey right now by virtue of her actions. She's not UNhappy there, but she doesn't like it. She wants to come home. I've explained to her over and over that she can't, that it's no longer my decision. She says she understands. I wonder.

We can visit her every day if we'd like, twice on weekends. The problem is economics. It's a 50-mile round trip each time. Even in the little car, the gasoline cost adds up quickly. We always bring her something to eat like an Entenman's pie, brownie, ice cream sundae, milk shake, things like that. She's always hungry. :) The unit has very strict rules on clothing. I've had to buy her a lot of new things. More $$$. So we agreed to go up every other day, for the most part. Oh, family therapy is mandatory once a week also. Right now, it's just Ray and me. Later on, it may include the boys. We have to wait and see. That's a lot of trips. The gas cost is only one part of it. It's 45 minutes each way out and back. We try to make it work with errands we have to run or shopping we have to do. It's still very time-consuming. But we do it. We will continue to do it until she's home.

Folks have asked. . . are we okay with this? Yes and no. She needs help that is beyond our capabilities. So for that purpose, yes, we are okay with it. These beds are in hot demand. The fact that she got one so quickly is a God thing, especially since our insurance won't pay for it. The finance wizards at the hospital are waving their wands and tell me they will get it paid for. Do we miss her? OH, YEAH!!!! This house is way too quiet. I'm usually okay until it's time to leave. She's taken to grabbing onto me at that time. That's when I lose it. I can't show it, but my insides cave and it's all I can do to get out of there without her and without leaving my heart on the floor. Ray feels the same way. He turned 59 on June 25th without his baby girl. He moped around and was on the verge of tears all day long. I'm like that most days if I think about her too much. Going to see her is a bright spot in my day. Leaving her there is the worst. I thought it would get easier. HAH HAH HAH! Not hardly. All we can do is pray that they can help her, God changes her heart. . . or a combination. I don't know what the future will bring, but I know we can't do it as four people. There are FIVE of us in this family. That missing 20% is killing us. To get her the help she needs, we may have to move into the county she's now in. That's okay. We will do what it takes. This house means nothing to me. I'll do just about anything to avoid having to leave her and walk away. When it was "temporary," it wasn't so bad. There was always the chance that she would come home again. Now it's much more permanent. It scares me. Oh, Lord, I miss my baby girl!!!

So now we attempt to settle into a routine with visitations, phone calls and such. Life will get back to what passes for normal around here, but. . . no, I said that wrong. Even in this bizarro world we live in, it won't be anywhere close to normal until I no longer have to leave her standing there, as they lock the door between us. The sound of that lock is what tears another piece out of my heart.

SONDAY MUSIC ( & MORE PATRIOTIC, TOO!)

2009-07-04T20:18:00.000-07:00

I have some great patriotic music coming your way, but first. . . it's Sonday!!! So here's a great song for worship. Then scroll down for some real oldies but goodies! The music is Chris Tomlin's Amazing Grace/My Chains Are Gone. The video tells about the life of John Newton, the author of Amazing Grace. If you haven't seen the movie starring Ioan Gruffud yet, go rent it now!!!

NOW. . . on to some real classics!

This is one of my favorite B&W clips for the 4th of July. Sit back and enjoy Jimmy Cagney, Mickey Rooney and Judy Garland doing George M. Cohan's Yankee Doodle Boy!

Now here's the incomparable Kate Smith doing her signature song (written for her by Irving Berlin). . . God Bless America, set to a newsreel from the 1930s. After this, there's a more modern version that impressed me. Keep scrolling!

I love this song. I listened to many renditions of God Bless America. . . and then I found this one, done by country chanteuse Martina McBride. I think you'll be as impressed as I was!

And now. . . for the Grand Finale. . . enjoy America the Beautiful sung by the Gaither Vocal Band. This is the GVB including Bill Gaither, Guy Penrod, David Phelps and Russ Taff. Beautiful!

HAPPY 4th OF JULY!

2009-07-04T16:55:00.001-07:00

Given the current state of our country, I wasn't sure what to put here today. Then I heard the strains of Proud to be an American playing. This song has a special meaning for us as the day after September 11, 2001, our then 5-year-old daughter came home from kindergarten, stood in the middle of the living room and sang the entire song, word for word! So I went hunting and found this super special video tribute to our troops set to this wonderful song.

Enjoy your day, your BBQs, your picnics and your family fun, but please tell your kids about the founding of this great country, too, why we celebrate the 4th of July as we do. And tonight, say a prayer for our brave soldiers who are not enjoying their families today.

Never forget. . . FREEDOM ISN'T FREE! These heroes pay for it every day.

2009-07-01T19:48:00.000-07:00

MORE SAUL THAN DAVID

I have always been fascinated with the Biblical account of King David. I would even venture to say that he is my all-time favorite character in the Bible. For as long as I have been a Christian, I have marveled at how this “man after God’s own heart” committed adultery, murder, multiple acts of outright disobedience and still remained “a man after God’s own heart,” right to the bitter end. Oh, there were consequences, all right. God proclaimed that the sword would never depart from David’s house and it didn’t; however, David’s house remained intact. I have been taught it was because of David’s true and contrite repentance before God every time he sinned. Other characters in the Bible sinned and repented, but not one of them was called “a man after God’s own heart.” That designation belongs to David alone. This has intrigued me for many, many years and probably will until the day I’m called home.

The other night, I was looking for a comforting Bible story so, naturally, I ended up starting at 1st Samuel, intent on going through 1st Kings and Solomon. I couldn’t settle my spirit on it this time, though. Strange. So I went to the laptop to check my email. Several of my devotionals had arrived. Talk about shock value. They were ALL about. . . not King David, but King Saul. So back I went to 1st Samuel but, this time, reading it from Saul’s perspective, not David’s.

Saul was an unknown who was crowned the first king of Israel. God sent Samuel to anoint him while he was looking for some lost donkeys. Why Saul? Not sure. He was a head taller than the rest of the country, but God must have had a better reason than that. I’m sure he saw something in Saul that excited Him. Was Saul the originally-intended recipient of those glorious words, “a man after God’s own heart?” We will never know. What we do know is that Saul started out well. . . well, good enough, I guess, for a man who was hiding in the luggage during his coronation! Was he scared? I guess so. I know I would be. Israel wasn’t in such good straits at this time and they ticked God off mightily by demanding a king so they could be like other nations. I’m not so sure I would want to lead this rebellious people either. I feel Saul really gave it his best shot. It wasn’t good enough.

In studying these chapters from Saul’s perspective, I discovered something interesting. We usually think of Saul’s failures first, but Saul was basically a good king. He did all the right things. He prayed, he sacrificed, he got appropriately incensed when his people were threatened. He fought well and defeated some of Israel’s fiercest enemies. So why did he fail so miserably? He did most things God’s way, but he inserted just enough of himself in there to screw things up.

The first time he really made a mess of things, he was to wait for Samuel to bless the sacrifice. He was to wait until the 7th day. Did he? Well, yeah. . . the beginning of the 7th day. Samuel showed up later on and boy, oh boy, did Saul hear about it!!! So, technically, he did the right thing, but in reality it was the wrong thing.

Then he pulled the biggie. God ordered him to totally destroy the Amalekites in the land because they had attacked the Israelites coming up out of Egypt under Moses. This was to be God’s retribution, a definitive stroke to show that there indeed WAS a God in Israel. Off Saul went with his army, fully intent on doing the Lord’s work. The Israelites fought bravely and gallantly, destroying every man, woman and child, save one and a couple of choice heifers and some sheep. I honestly think Saul felt he did it correctly. I’m not sure what he was going to do with their rotten king, but he was going to sacrifice only the best animals to the Lord his God. But when Samuel arrived, lookout below!!! Saul insisted he did it right; Samuel insisted he did it wrong. Then Saul got scared, tore off Samuel’s robe trying to hang on to the holy man and, well, you all know what happened. Samuel yelled that God had torn the kingdom out of Saul’s hands in the same way and that it would be given to a neighbor, “a man after God’s own heart.” We all know who that was. Yet Saul still begged Samuel to go up with him to worship, even after this prophecy was made. He was still trying to do the right thing. It didn’t do him any good.

So why am I reiterating this whole gory story? I think those devotionals and the re-reading of those chapters from Saul’s perspective and NOT David’s was God’s way of showing me that many times, I’m much more like Saul than David. I don’t want to be, but I am. I am a very impatient person. I doubt I would have waited for Samuel either. Many times, I have been given Psalm 46:10, “Be still and know that I am God.” I’m not good at being still. Being still implies doing nothing, just sitting there. That’s just not me. It should be, but it’s not. How many times have I jumped the gun on God, doing what I thought was right and from Him, only finding out later that I was wrong once again. Had I waited. . . well, you know.

The other thing that was pointed out to me in this study is that, also like Saul, I tend to follow God 99 and 44/100ths. That’s close, but no cigar, folks. I will follow steps 1-9 and blow it on Step 10. Why? I guess I still think my way will work just as well. I’ve been a Christian a long time. You’d think I’d know better by now. Obviously, I don’t.

I don’t want to be Saul. I want to be David, big fat sins and all. Saul failed; David triumphed. They both sinned. David did it differently. I do it like David some of the time, but I do it like Saul most of the time.

So how do I change this? Sounds easy, but it’s not. One thing is to take Psalm 46:10, the dreaded “Be still and know that I am God” to heart. Be still. That’s not hard to understand. So why can’t I do it? Not sure, but I know I will try to do it more. Being still between each step will also help me avoid the big faux pas on Step 10. It won’t be easy, but now I see it from Saul’s side. He really wanted to be a good king. He did the right things. He just didn’t do it all the way. He meant well, but he didn’t end well.

Saul ended up falling on his own sword at the battle on Mt. Gilboa, the Philistines then dismembering him and hanging his parts up on a wall. David went the way of his fathers, peacefully in his own bed, with the promise of God that one of his descendants would always sit on the throne of Israel. That sounds a lot better to me.

So how many of you are more Saul than David? I raise my hand and slink away sheepishly. I much prefer my own bed to hanging on a wall somewhere in enemy territory. I know I have some very difficult work ahead of me. “Be still and know that I am God.” Yes, Lord, I hear You. And today, for once, I will listen and do as You say. . . but only if you help me overcome myself.

PLEASE FORGIVE THE INTERRUPTION

2009-07-01T19:47:00.001-07:00

Once again, my life has gone into the blender. I'll explain in the next week or so. Right now, I have one more really bad day to get through; however, I do have a post for you, a little something I wrote during a difficult stretch the other day. Give me a few minutes and you'll have it. :)

MUSIC

2009-06-19T05:59:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought what life would be like without music? I shudder to think. I see everyone, these days, with an MP3 player plugged into their ears. Why? Because music is wonderful! It calms us, energizes us, helps us to think and just makes life a little easier. Take a look at what happened in Trafalgar Square when everyone decided to sing! Then go over to JoJo's Blog . Yes, I know it says "Grieving," but you won't grieve for long. You'll see a joyous rendition of the 151st Psalm by Wynona Judd. This was on Touched by an Angel many years ago, but it's still just as relevant today. Now enjoy the mass singalong at Trafalgar Square!

HOT OFF THE PRESSES!!!

2009-06-18T07:21:00.000-07:00

Did you know that in today's economy, an employer is likely to get approximately FIFTY resumes for one part-time job? Sadly, it's true. For a "professional" job, the competition is much, much stiffer. To even get an interview, you need a top-notch resume, one that will catch a Human Resource Manager's attention and, more importantly, not make the first cut straight into the circular file!

When was the last time you updated your resume? Think your job will last forever? Think again. That may have been true years ago, but it's a different world out there. Need help with this daunting task?

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For those of you who don't know our business, A Word Aptly Written, is a writing/editing company. We do all types of editing and we pride ourselves on focusing, clarifying and strengthening the manuscript while keeping the author's style intact. We write press releases, articles, blog posts, ad copy and now. . . RESUMES!!! And to announce the new Resume Division of A Word Aptly Written, have I got a deal for YOU!

The first ten people who contact me at awordaptlywritten@comcast.net with RESUME in the subject line, will be able to have your one or two-page resume written for HALF-PRICE!!! The normal fee for a basic resume is $50, but the first TEN who contact me will get a one or two-page professional resume produced for only $25!!!

The resume can be produced in chronological or functional style, depending on what fits YOUR unique style best. I am working diligently on becoming a functional resume expert. A functional resume is a resume which highlights skills, knowledge and strengths, rather than chronological job experience. Many women, formerly stay-at-home moms, are being forced back into the work place due to the economy. That work place is now super competitive and if you have no recent outside work experience, presenting yourself properly can be a challenge. I can help.

So hurry! Get your resume for only $25 if you are one of the first TEN people to contact me at awordaptlywritten@comcast.net with RESUME in the subject line. I will send you a questionnaire by return email. Once you complete it and send it back to me, I will craft your resume in the most effective style for your unique talents and experience.

MY PARTNER IS A RACIST

2009-06-16T21:17:00.000-07:00

Now that I’ve got your attention, let me say that the above statement is NOT true, but we’ll get to that in a moment. So then why did I use this headline?

My partner and Grace Talk Soup Co-Host, JoJo Tabares, sent out her weekly Art of Eloquence newsletter this morning. . . and got reported for violating a subscriber’s “racial discrimination filter.” Go read the article that got her in trouble on her blog: AOE Blog . Now you tell me if it’s about race. It’s about G-R-A-C-E, folks, not R-A-C-E. So what happened?

Apparently, it’s due to some word or phrase in the email that caused the subscriber’s ISP to delete and return the newsletter in violation of a “racial discrimination filter.” She found this out by calling the newsletter provider. Their representative read the article and he couldn’t figure it out either. The only thing they could figure is it was the term “two way street” in her opening sentence: “A few situations arose this past week that may give you cause to wonder if grace is a two way street for Christian conservatives. “ Have you ever heard the term “two way street” used in a racially derogatory way? I haven’t. The only derogatory connotation I have ever heard with this verbiage is in describing someone who is bisexual as a “two way street.” Since gender identity has been added to race in the discrimination laws, we’re figuring that maybe it’s all lumped together in the “racial discrimination filter.” It could also be due to the words “white trash” or “hillbilly” in the quote from Megan Fox. We’re not sure. Read the article again. If you figure out how this excellent article is racially discriminatory, please let me know.

Now let’s go back to JoJo Tabares. I have had the privilege of calling this Godly woman my friend for many years. For those of you who know her, you know that she doesn’t have a racist bone in her tiny little body. JoJo loves all God’s children. She doesn’t hate and she doesn’t discriminate. She does what she does because she is passionate about teaching us how to communicate with each other the way God would do it, so that NO ONE is discriminated against or unnecessarily hurt, always in love and with grace. She wrote about God’s grace. . . and got flagged for being a racist. Go figure.

At the request of her newsletter provider, she had this subscriber deleted so it shouldn’t happen again unless he resubscribes. There may be a possibility that this person is subscribing so that he can send spam like this out, hoping she will contact him. She was advised not to reply or contact him in any fashion. Too many of these so-called violations and they can suspend your account. Please keep in mind this is a double opt-in mailing list. She usually gets reported as spam since these people, many who figured out how to subscribe only for the freebies she provides to her subscribers, conveniently forget how to unsubscribe. It’s easier to just report her as spam. This time, though, it’s hit a new low. Very, very low.

Since JoJo is obviously not a racist (and I should point out that I don’t fit that label either), why am I bringing this to your attention? Because it’s only going to get worse. The hate crimes legislation that will make a lot of Christian speech into a prosecutable crime is up for a vote in the Senate this week. All indications say it will pass. Get set for a trial of the decade, century or what have you when they drag the first preacher down off the altar for preaching what the Bible says about homosexuality and other things. If you believe things are okay that God calls an abomination, fine. You’re entitled. Whether you feel your rights come from the Constitution of the United States or an Almighty God, you are certainly entitled to your opinion. But why am I NOT entitled to mine? If many can say it’s right, why can’t we say it’s wrong? When did a difference of opinion become illegal? Apparently, when a lot of us weren’t looking. Why weren’t we looking? Because we’ve become too comfortable in our churches, eating our pot luck dinners and singing the latest praise choruses while our rights are being snatched away. We believe it simply can’t happen here. Think again, folks. It’s happening right under your noses! That’s why JoJo does what she does. She teaches Christians to speak up in love about our beliefs, about God’s grace and, more importantly, how NOT to hurt people and discriminate against them with our words.

Because of a few who shoot their mouths off in the wrong direction, Christians are considered a laughing stock, a bunch of homophobic, intolerant, right-wing whackos. We are against almost everything America stands for today. When did it change? I don’t know exactly, but I do know that we were snoozing during the sermon while they were NOT. Keep on snoring, America. Then tell me it can’t happen here. Guess what? It already has.

ONE MORE COMEDY INTERLUDE

2009-06-16T06:15:00.000-07:00

I know comedy was yesterday's post, but. . . a friend related a story to me about one of her kids getting a little mouthy and feeling better than everyone else. I started thinking about our middle son, Brandon. Now Brandon doesn't REALLY think like this, but we have a standing joke that he is the most handsome, the smartest, the one all the girls are chasing, etc. etc. etc. It's just a laugh. He's a sweet kid with a great personality and very level-headed. I kept remembering this song from many years ago and a friend sent it to me from You Tube. I called him in and played it for him. He roared and told me to email him the link as it was going to be his "theme song" on his MySpace page. It's not the greatest video clip and probably about 30 years old, but you'll get the idea.

So without further ado. . . here's Mac Davis and Link Hogthrob singing It's Hard To Be Humble on the old Muppet Show. I left the initial routine on it. Just wait until he's done with the Beakers and you'll get the song. :)

CHRISTIAN COMEDIANS

2009-06-15T16:51:00.000-07:00

Did you know there are lots of great, really funny Christian comedians? Well, there are. If you want a good laugh, go to You Tube or Tangle.com (formerly God Tube) and look up Michael Jr., Chonda Pierce, Tim Hawkins, Dennis Swanberg. . . or just Google Christian comedians. I guarantee you will split your sides.

My co-host on Grace Talk Soup, JoJo Tabares, posed a question on her blog today: Who's your favorite Christian comedian or comedienne? I love lots of them, but my all-time favorite is Mark Lowry, who also sang with the Gaither Vocal Band for 13 years, left and now, I believe, is back with them. There are videos on You Tube of Mark that are just as funny now as they were over 20 years ago. The one I'm posting here is from The Best of Mark Lowry Vol. 2. It's a few years old, but hysterical nonetheless. You can check out everything about Mark at MarkLowry.com. He has all of his DVDs for sale plus links to his performances, radio show and whereabouts. He is truly a lot of fun! Here's Mark doing his Home Depot/Encounter with an Atheist routine. Enjoy! (BTW, I didn't spell atheist A-T-H-I-E-S-T. . . whoever posted the video did it. Just had to clarify that, being an editor and all. . . LOL)

Then stay tuned for Mark singing his signature song, Mary, Did You Know? right below. Betcha didn't know that funny man Mark wrote this song. He wrote the words; Buddy Greene wrote the music. He sings it might purty, too. :) (That's David Phelps and Guy Penrod on the background vocals. I can't see the piano player too clearly, but I think it's Anthony Burger.)

And for another great laugh, go over to JoJo's Blog and watch the video there by the Skit Guys. It's very funny and makes a point, too. Leave a comment to let her know you stopped by. Now enjoy my favorite Christian comedian, Mark Lowry, doing what he does best, joke and sing. . . NOT necessarily in that order. :)

DEAD RATS AND WOLF SPIDERS

2009-06-11T14:38:00.000-07:00

Some of you may not know, but I co-host a podcast called Grace Talk Soup every Thursday morning with my dear friend, JoJo Tabares. We deal in communication skills, always with a dash of grace, a lot of love and a big handful of humor. JoJo teaches us spoken communication skills and I teach written communication skills. She is Lucy Linguist to my Ethel the Editor and we do a segment called I Love Language. It's lots of fun! You can join us every Thursday morning at Talk Shoe, 11AM EDT/8AM PDT. (We are show #19736, but it's programmed into the link.) You can go to the site and download shows. This morning's was a blast!

Now all that being said. . . we seem to wander (read that "get pushed") into the Land of TechnoTroubles about 10AM Eastern every Thursday morning. JoJo has seen the entire Talk Shoe network go down around her. I have to use two computers to make sure I can see the chat room and be able to research things throughout the show. We have our cell phones out, just in case. We have had phone lines go dead, chat rooms crash. . . if it's technical trouble, we've had it. Want to know about our latest escapades in technotorture? Just show up a little bit early for our "pre-game show" and you will hear us cracking up and telling how we did it so that the show WILL go on.

Now techno troubles are not the only kind we get. On about 10:30 this morning, my mother calls me from the other side of the house. She's ranting. I think I would be, too. She tells me she's been up since 3AM watching a huge, hairy brown spider on her ceiling. She is petrified of wolf spiders, having had a few encounters with them in the past. She tried to suck it down the vacuum cleaner hose, but. . . difficult since she's about 4'8" tall. She couldn't reach it. Then she tells me she had to use the bathroom real bad and. . . there was a dead rat in her sink!!! Nothin' says I gotta pee like a dead rat in your sink, trust me. OYE!!! Now it's almost 10:45, 15 minutes to show time. She's still ranting. I tell her that my one son has a half-day at school today, when he'll be home and he will do the dastardly deed. Mr. B is our main creature dispatcher around here so I'm confident he'll do her proud.

Now it's ten minutes to show time. My chat room screen won't come up. Finally, it does. I hear JoJo say, "Oh, there she is!" I dial in once. No go. I dial in twice. No go. Three times is the charm, right? YOU BETCHA!!! I hear JoJo's dulcet tones through my telephone. WHEW!!! We do our pre-game chit-chat. The room is filling up. Gonna be a great show!!! JoJo signs us on and I hear the Talk Shoe logo. She says, "Welcome to Grace Talk Soup! Thank you all for tuning in each week. I'm your host, JoJo Tabares". . . now that's my cue to say. . . "and I'm Carla Ives." Then JoJo takes over with more of our standard intro. Just as she says, "I'm JoJo Tabares". . . BOTH COMPUTER SCREENS GO DEAD BLACK. I'm sitting there looking on in disbelief, but I am still on the phone, mind you, and I could have just followed the intro which I have in front of me. I'm like. . . WHAT DO I DO NOW??? I'm still thinking about dead rats and spiders. So. . . I say nothing. Dead air. Nada, zippo, nuttin' honey. I hear JoJo take a deep breath. I realize what I need to do. I start to giggle and say. . . "and I'm Carla Ives." So off we go despite all this "stuff." Maybe 30-45 seconds later, while I'm trying to concentrate, BOTH computer screens pop back up. VOILA!!!! Just like nothing happened. I didn't even wiggle the mouse. They did not time out in the first place. What the. . . . !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This is a peek inside our world, ladies and gents. We love bringing you Grace Talk Soup. Today's show was, as they say in my home town of Philthydelphia, DA BOMB! It was open discussion. We had lots of people on the phone lines and we had so much fun, it shoulda been illegal. LOL Yet. . . my chat window went down at least 6 times and my laptop crashed twice. Most of you that were there didn't know that, I bet, except for the few times I mentioned it. Still. . . Grace Talk Soup was on the air!!!

And to whatever evil spirits are lurking out there, forcing JoJo and me to visit the cloudy, murky Land of TechnoTroubles every Thursday morning, I have this to say: If a dead rat and a big, hairy brown wolf spider didn't stop Grace Talk Soup, you won't either. Read it and weep, baby!!!!!!!!!!" Grace Talk Soup will be back next week, same bat time, same bat channel. BRING IT ON!!! Or should that be "same rat time, same rat channel?" bwahahahahahaha

FOUR POINT ONE

2009-06-10T18:19:00.000-07:00

What's four point one, you ask? Only the most beautiful number in the world! Let me 'splain. . .

Way back on this blog, I talked about PSA (Prostate Specific Antigen) numbers in the hopes of chasing men to their doctors to find out their number, facilitated by my husband's diagnosis of prostate cancer. If you are a man over 40 reading this, PUHLEEZE get your PSA level tested at least once a year. It could save your life.

Normal PSA readings are from zero to 4.0. Normal for a man in his 20s and 30s would be in the 1 to 2 range, while normal for a man approaching 60 would be more in the 4.0 range, high end of the scale. Your numbers increase as you get older due to the normal swelling of the prostate with age. Now keeping that in mind. . .

Ray's first PSA back in December was 8.5, over double the high normal rate.

His second, two months later after intensive infection control, was 6.6, still way too high.

On his first biopsy, they definitely found cancer. We both saw it, on the ultrasound pictures as well as on the biopsy map. There was also a palpable nodule felt upon physical examination. The doctor decided to do what they call a saturation biopsy, mapping the entire prostate to make sure there were no other cancer spots. This would determine if a partial treatment would be appropriate or he would have to have the entire prostate removed. According to the biopsies, the cancer was contained in that one location. Ray elected to do a cryotherapy procedure (freezing the cancerous part of the prostate to destroy it) and scheduled it not once but twice. Things just kept interfering and both procedures ended up getting canceled. We were getting ready to reschedule, so let me now get you into the "weird" part.

The second biopsy actually came back perfectly normal. Twice as many samples were taken, some from the exact spot where the cancer was located on the first biopsy. It wasn't there. Could have been a fluke. The reading of prostate biopsies is somewhat subjective and is usually confirmed by more than one pathologist. That's how they get the Gleason score. Ray's Gleason score was six, the lowest of the "bad" numbers, for lack of a better term. There was a very outside chance that the first biopsy took all the cancerous tissue with it. Not likely, but, hey, to quote the lawyers, anything's possible, right?

This second biopsy result had been bugging us for a bit. Did we dare hope? So before rescheduling, Ray asked for another PSA test as it had been a couple of months since the last one, which, along with the first biopsy results, definitely indicated cancer. Wanna know what that test came back with?

FOUR POINT ONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Or 4.1!!!!! Either way, lots of exclamation points. That's so close to normal for his age, it's scary. Maybe that's why all the delays and changes happened? Maybe he's not supposed to have anything drastic done? I don't know. Dr. Lee's nurse knows what's going on with our daughter (see previous posts) and she said with a reading of 4.1, there is certainly no rush to a procedure table now. When things calm down here (HAH!), the doc wants to see him and talk about this latest result. He may still elect to have something done. One of the least desirable options for a younger man is called "watchful waiting." It means simply being monitored by exams and PSA blood tests at 3-month intervals. His numbers and test results didn't indicate that at first. But now?

We are still in a little bit of shock. Is this a miraculous healing? We both saw the cancer on the ultrasound images and the first biopsy map. It was very noticeable. It is nowhere to be seen on the second set. Did the first biopsy get it all? There is a still a chance that it's in there, hiding somewhere, and it was simply missed. I mean, hey, they can't stick a needle in every single nanomillimeter of skin. For right now, though, Ray is in no danger.

KEEP THOSE PRAYERS COMIN', FOLKS!!!!!!!!!!!! When I post the victory, you will hear the screams wherever you are in the world. :)

QUICKIE CLARIFICATION

2009-06-10T18:15:00.000-07:00

It was pointed out to me that I should mention why my daughter is going through the hell she is now experiencing (see 2 posts down, entitled "PAIN"). She suffers from bipolar disorder, ADHD and oppositional/defiant disorder, a somewhat deadly combination for winning friends and influencing people. Since puberty, it has definitely gotten worse.

We visited her tonight. She is doing well in her program. I have a meeting with some people there tomorrow after Grace Talk Soup. She says depending on that meeting, they may allow her to go home before the weekend. We could really use this as it is a long way from here and the gas consumption is killing us. Still, I want her home better than when she left.

I'll keep everyone posted on this situation. I just wanted to make this distinction so people won't think their "normal" 13-year-olds could go through this. Teens are tough, for sure, but teens with mental illness are. . . well, we love her just the same.

A LOT

2009-06-10T06:25:00.000-07:00

I had another post in mind. . . and that one is coming, promise. We have been going through "a lot" lately with the kids, Ray's medical condition, finances and many other things. We aren't special. Lots of folks go through "a lot." I was sitting here doing some heavy thinking about our particular "a lot." This video appeared on my computer screen. If you go back and look at my Memorial Day video, it was produced by Youth on the Rock from the Bucyrus Free Will Baptist Church in Bucyrus, Ohio. This is the same youth group. This one hits on family issues. Although our family doesn't deal with alcohol and the associated problems, "a lot" is "a lot." These kids know how to make a video that brings a point home. Please watch. Then stay tuned for "a lot" more.

(This video is set to the song There Will Be A Day by Jeremy Camp)

PAIN

2009-06-08T21:14:00.000-07:00

This is gonna be a hard one to write. I haven't said too much about it, but now I feel I must. Honesty is important. We have had so many good times reported on this blog. . . but life isn't all about good times. I've always known that, but the point was brought home to me with a very big bang a few days ago.

Our little girl. . . yes, the poet. . . has been struggling lately. She is a very headstrong young lady and has had a lot of problems getting her head on straight. On Thursday, she got suspended from school once again and this past Friday night, it all came to a head. I'm still not sure what exactly happened or why it escalated, but she is now in a locked, adolescent psych ward. Boy, that was difficult to blurt out! The cops came. Then the ambulance came. She's needed a better evaluation for a long, long time, even though she's been in therapy and under the care of an adolescent psychiatrist for about a year now. The way the laws are in this state, she would have to do something very drastic to herself or someone else to be put in an inpatient situation. We actually had an interview scheduled for a partial program this morning. The situation didn't wait until this morning.

She has caused a lot of trouble lately. Ray and I are older parents for this little one. She was our surprise. And the surprise has been on both of our last nerves. So we were shocked when it hit us how much we actually miss her. Since the ambulance pulled away on Friday night, I feel like someone sucker punched the breath right out of me. Ray is off and on in tears. He misses his little girl. Because of the way it happened, we can't bring her home until the State says we can. I've comforted others who have been in this position. Why can't I comfort myself?

Last night I called her. I was afraid she wouldn't talk to me, but she did. It was pleasant for a few minutes. Today I called her again. Told her we got permission to come visit tonight. She sounded happy about it. Tonight we went. We came bearing Burger King. Lil's favorite thing in the world is a BK Double Stacker. She can't have much else and the food has to be consumed during the visit or it gets thrown out. They called for her after we signed in and then. . . here she came bouncing down the hallway. Not sure what I expected, but she looked great. Her gleaming golden red hair was done nicely and she had clean clothes on. She had a big smile on her face. Hopefully, it was for us and not solely for the bag of food in my hand. What really made us feel better was when the nurse saw her, she said, "Lil, that's the first time you've smiled all day!"

Her roommate was sleeping so they let us into the school room for our visit. She told us she had passed a math test (miracle!). She told us she had made some friends. She told us about the facilities, especially the Wii, the basketball court and the large-screen TV with the good movies. She told us about the therapists she saw and what they talked about. Then we talked. . . the kidlet and me. Most of her issues are with me. I didn't need a professional to tell me that. I know. She said she wants to come home. We talked about what she will have to do and how she will have to behave. She said she wants to try again. So do we. I don't think she knows how much. I have to go see the family therapist on Thursday after Grace Talk Soup. Then they will decide if she can come home, possibly on Friday. She's in a short-term, crisis intervention facility and if they feel they can't send her home, they will have to find a more permanent placement for her. There's none in this end of the state so she will be a long way from home. We are praying for that not to happen.

I'm gonna say "when" she comes home. . .it won't be easy. She is headstrong. Wanna know a secret? Me, too. I love her almost more than life itself but, boy, oh boy, can we go at it. We will both have work to do, stepping up to the plate and forming a new covenant between us. It won't be easy. Will it be worth it? Oh, yeah. And nothing worth doing that much is ever easy.

Then came the real pain, pain that seared into my very soul. We had to leave her there. She wasn't too upset. She hugged me and said she was going to play some basketball with her new friends. She had a smile on her face. So did I. . . until the door locked shut behind us. Then it was all I could do to stand up and breathe. We are allowed to go back tomorrow night and Thursday night. Hopefully, she will be coming home Friday with me or us. I'm not so sure how many times I can hear that door lock behind me without her holding my hand. Say a prayer, K? I've said more than any of us will be able to count in three lifetimes.

DANCES WITH TREES

2009-06-03T05:05:00.000-07:00

(Blogger's Note: There are way too many exclamation points in this story, even for me. However, you will see why once you get into it. They are necessary for me to tell the tale the way it needs to be told. . . or the way I need to tell it :)

I was raised on the Mid-Atlantic Coast. Thunderstorms are commonplace any time of the year. Every September brings hurricane season. I've seen water up to my car door handles. I've seen trash cans and flower pots turned into SCUD missiles. I've seen windows shattered and floods that would take Michael Phelps to get through it unscathed. No biggie. It's all par for the course in Joisey or thereabouts.

Yesterday, a dear friend texted me (yes, I've finally arrived in the texting age!) and asked me if I could pick her up from work and take her home because her car was still in the shop. No problem. At the appointed time (plus maybe 5-10 minutes "just in case" -- I'm quirky that way), I take off. Now I had actually glanced at the Weather Bug on my computer before I left. It said "thunderstorm watch." We laugh in the face of thunderstorms. . . HAH HAH HAH!!! Did I mention that it actually said "SEVERE" thunderstorms? We laugh in the face of severe thunderstorms, too. Well. . . we did.

So here I am, tooling down the road at 50-55. (Okay, okay, maybe a little faster. My nose is growing!) All of a sudden, it turns pitch black and the sky literally opens up. Instantly, the rain is so bad you can't see anything. . . and I mean nada, zippo, nuttin' honey. I calmly say to myself, "You've been there/done this before. It's okay. Just stay calm, go slow and pull over if you have to." Now the wind starts blowing hard. Everything is snapping. Trees are breaking and flying all over the road!!! Trash cans are flying above the cars. Heck, CARS are flying all over the road trying to dodge everybody and everything!!! It was a lot like in The Wizard of Oz when the house is airborne before it lands on the witch. Okay. Let's use our noggin' here. It's B-A-D. I choose discretion as the better part of valor. I pull over to the shoulder. I literally cannot see a thing except water.

It starts to slow. I pull out and advance very slowly down the road. I have a clear path as most sane people are NOT out there with me. It slows a little more. I pick up speed. All of a sudden,I hear this loud crack and then I see half-a-tree heading for my windshield!!! I figured it would come through the glass and decapitate me. I remember muttering, "Forgive me, Lord," and taking a deep breath. The loudest KABOOM I've heard in years now assaults my ears. Without still being able to see, I instinctively swerved the car hard to the right, praying I was not near a stand of trees or someone's outbuilding. I've driven this road for years, but I honestly did not know where I was.

The half-a-tree hit me square in the windshield. That was the sonic KABOOM I heard. Miraculously, the windshield didn't break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! By this time, I'm crying and yelling for God to please calm it down just a little so I could see where I was. When the deluge calmed a bit and I looked out my window, me, my car and the busted tree were calmly sitting in somebody's front yard.

Okay. Now I need coffee desperately. I am not ashamed to tell you I'm shaking. Since I know where I am now, I know there's a WaWa two blocks up the street. WHEW! Well, not so WHEW!!! As I approach, I see this horrendous traffic jam. The storm knocked the light out of one of the busiest intersections in town and the WaWa is dark. No power. No coffee yet. SIGH Now I see some daylight so I cautiously proceed the mile or so to the next WaWa. They have power. There is a parking space. The light works. God is good. :)

I get out of the car now, afraid to look at my little silver PT Cruiser. Folks, this is the true miracle. There are just two small bumps and some surface scratches from the attack of the killer tree!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Ray says it was probably rotten which is why it snapped so easily and why it didn't do more damage, less weight. Personally, I don't care WHY it didn't kill the little silver car or me. All I know is God spared both of us this time and I am sooooooooooo grateful!!! I got my coffee, but let's just say I was "nervous" on the rest of the journey to pick up my friend. Wanna laugh? By the time I got to where she works, maybe 7 whole minutes away, the sun was shining, blue skies, you name it. Just like all the weather in South Joisey. . . if you don't like it, wait a few minutes 'cuz it's gonna change!!!

I swear to you, I will never call that little Cruiser a tin box again!!!!!!! I am still amazed. All kidding aside, I should've been dead and the car should have been totaled.

I came home to no power (as usual after any storm) with wires and trees down all over. Our house wasn't damaged either and there are some pretty close trees that have to be removed. Everyone in my world came through unscathed. . . well, except maybe for my nerves. Suffice it to say that, today, I am one happy old lady! I think I need to get my sweet, precious, wonderful little car washed. He deserves it!!!!!!!!!!

SORRY FOR THE ABSENCE

2009-06-03T05:02:00.000-07:00

To all our wonderful and loyal friends and readers,

I am sorry that this blog has been so quiet lately. We are still very much up in the air over treatment options. We thought we had it settled, but. . . not quite. Ray just had another PSA done this morning, so by the end of next week, we should know something definite. Everything is very hectic here with school ending, folks being sick and the ongoing cancer nonsense.

Don't give up on us, K? Matter of fact, there will be a "very interesting" blog post coming up sometime today. Stay tuned. . .:)

MEMORIAL DAY

2009-05-25T05:50:00.001-07:00

I apologize for our absence from this blog. Some problematic details have arisen, but should be cleared up shortly. Please stay tuned. :)

Meanwhile, today is Memorial Day. Here is a very special Memorial Day video made by Youth on the Rock from the Bucyrus Free Will Baptist Church in Ohio. It is dedicated to all those that have ever served in the armed forces and helped to give ... remember, all gave some, but some gave all.

THE FAITH OF A CHILD

2009-05-19T19:22:00.000-07:00

A cancer diagnosis is devastating. It can upset the bravest and most stalwart of hearts. We know. This is our second time around the block. Today, I learned that cancer is truly no respecter of persons.

While at the gym I saw a poster for a Beef 'n Beer for a little boy named Sam. Figured he had leukemia or some other "childhood-type" disease. I didn't read the whole thing. Hey, I had to go around that circuit twice and since I've been sick, it wasn't the easiest thing to do. I was more than a little bit self-absorbed. I couldn't shake that cute little face, though. Then I started talking to the lady next to me on the circuit. Turns out she was his Grandmom. She told me his story.

Sam Hornikel is three years old. He is one of those cute little guys with bright eyes and a smile that goes from here to eternity. Sam was diagnosed with prostate cancer, a subject near and dear to our hearts lately. I can hear you now. . . prostate cancer in a THREE YEAR OLD??? That was my reaction, too, as I rudely interrupted her. Turns out, it wasn't really prostate cancer, but bladder cancer. It was pretty bad when they caught it, so they took out little Sam's bladder, prostate and urethra to give him the best chance at life. Reconstructive surgery has started and will get him back to as normal as possible. They even took his sperm and froze it. There is apparently new technology on the horizon that makes it pretty certain that by the time Sam finds the girl God has for him, she will be able to bear his children. He will need a few more operations. He just finished a round of chemo.

Through it all, this kidlet is amazing. He doesn't cry much. He runs around like crazy, dragging his tubes and poles with him. He loves everybody and keeps his nurses and doctors cheery. Three years old. Hit with a Mack truck before he barely knows he's alive. Through it all, Sam just knows he's going to be okay. The faith of a child.

In the movie "The Santa Clause," a wise little girl elf tells the main character that children have it right; adults have it wrong. She tells him that most people say "Seeing is believing," when, in fact, it's the other way around, "Believing is seeing." The faith of a child. It's like a child that we come to Jesus. Not the easiest thing for adults. Our heads are too clouded with other extraneous information that gets in the way. We know too much (or so we think). Kids see things clearer, cleaner, simpler. "And he said: 'I tell you the truth, unless you change and become like little children, you will never enter the kingdom of heaven.'" (Matthew 18:3, NIV) Oh, would it be that I had Sam's simple faith!

The faith of a child. And this brave child's already seen more pain and suffering in three years than most of us will see in a lifetime. Can you help me get a few gazillion prayers ascending heavenward for Sam? I asked his Grandmom if that would be okay. She said, "I believe in the power of prayer." She didn't say it haltingly or softly. She made a definitive statement in a clear, strong voice. By the way, she's also a cancer survivor. She's doing well, many years later. I pray Sam will be, too. She obviously passed her strength on to this little one. Jesus will give him the rest of what he needs. Sam already knows that. Do you?

Jesus loves me! this I know,
For the Bible tells me so.
Little ones to Him belong;
they are weak but He is strong.

SONDAY EVENING WORSHIP MUSIC

2009-05-17T18:59:00.000-07:00

I know we've been silent for a few days. I haven't been feeling too well and we've had a lot of things to do. I apologize for leaving everyone in the proverbial lurch. All of a sudden (or so it seems), I looked up and. . . it's Sonday evening! Good thing I know the song I want to play for you, huh? :)

Ray and I attend Calvary Chapel. They have the local Christian radio station in town. In between teaching programs, they play "canned" music. There is no mention of who the artists are or what the names of the songs are. Drives me positively nuts! I have to scribble down lyrics and then run home and hit Google or Good Search and pray. This song plays a lot. It's not really notable (although a good song) for anything special except a line in the chorus that grabs me right in the driver's seat: "Whatever's in front of me, I choose to sing Halleluia." Note that I italicized the word "choose." That's about it. Choosing to be joyful is a choice. . .just like choosing to forgive, choosing to believe, choosing to do just about anything. We have choices.

When I went hunting for this song, I found one stunning presentation by a woman's interpretive sign dance ministry. Here's "Halleluia" by Bethany Dillon:

ONE OF THOSE DAYS (& new poem)

2009-05-13T20:23:00.000-07:00

Ray had "one of those days" today. Nothing earth-shattering. Just. . . well, you know. He called to tell me had a hard shot of overwhelming sadness, to the point where he wanted to ball up somewhere in a corner and cry his heart out. It happens to me frequently. Not used to it happening to him. He's human. Why can't men feel like this? Obviously, they can and they do. It's just not associated with them as much as with women. We're more vocal about it. Our emotions usually hide in a public place. We talked. He wanted to come home but, unfortunately, the money situation wouldn't allow it. When the days get rough, I usually drive in to have lunch with him and break up the day. Today, though, I had to take our 13-year-old to her therapy appointment and the time just didn't work out. He assured me he was over it and would be okay.

On the way to the appointment, we talked. Well, we talked as much as you can talk to a 13-year-old hunger queen shoving a turkey hoagie down her gullet. Every now and then she chased it with a Dr. Pepper. . . and then we talked. We talked about a lot of things, boys mostly, but then the subject of her dad came up. She seems to need constant reassurance. She's only 13. I have trouble dealing with this occasionally, and I'm a heckuva lot older than 13. She's trying to understand. She watches too much TV. The word cancer frightens her. Hey, it frightens me, too, at times.

After the appointment, we decide to race like mad back to Daddy's work, to see if we can catch him on his break. She knows I like to drive fast. She tells me to go for it, that she'll watch out for the cops. :) I went maybe a little over the speed limit in places (lookout. . . my nose is growing!) and we made it with about 30 seconds to spare. We called him and told him to come outside. It was a fun 10 minutes. I think Ray appreciated it. The rest of the day went on, as usual, with Wednesday night Bible Study and Youth Group.

It's almost bed time. Ray just found a piece of paper outside of our door with another one of her poems on it. It reads:

"When I think of it I sometimes get scared,
But you're okay and I'm aware.
Nothing more important than your health to me,
You're gonna be fine, can't you see,
I love you and you love me.
Daddy, you'll be fine and okay.
I hope this poem makes your day."

Copyright @2009 Lilly Ives

Underneath that is a hand-drawn heart with "I Love You" written in it.

Yeah, I guess it was just one of those days.

NOTHING TO SAY

2009-05-12T08:16:00.001-07:00

What do you say when you have nothing to say? Good question! Now those of you that know me are sitting back, trying to stifle the muffled giggles coming out of your mouth, and saying, "Carla has nothing to say? COME ON!!!" That's true most of the time, but your resident big mouth is actually short of words today. Why? Well. . .

Life is just "going on." The big rush of emotions that came with Ray's cancer diagnosis has since calmed down. We're no longer afraid of the C-word. We talk about cancer this and cancer that. We talk about possible procedures like we're discussing the grocery list. We talk about things like making our wills, making sure plans are set up for the "just in case." No emotion, no trauma, no fear. We just talk. And still the kids go to school, we fix dinner, Ray goes to work, I sit here looking for words. Life just goes on. That same life that seemed so important to grab hold of only a few short weeks ago is. . . well, it's just going on.

Isn't that what life's supposed to do? Yes, it is. That's God's plan. Things get intense and then they go back to whatever passes for normal. We live, love and laugh in the good times, but we grow in the valleys. We don't like them, but we need them. God knew that. He also knew we'd need a breather every now and then, to grab some scripture, rest up and get ready for the next valley. The intense periods will keep coming. I have no doubt of it. Once Ray gives the doc the definite go ahead on May 22nd, I'm sure things will heat up again. The posts will be better then, I promise! Right now, things actually seem a little. . . dare I say it?. . . dull.

So life goes on, dull or not. Hurry up and wait. No choice. Even if we wanted to do something today, we can't. Ray's insides are still too swollen and that makes proceeding with anything right now risky. Both of us would love nothing more than to get this over with tonight. We can't. So we hurry up and wait. Nothing more to do right now, nothing much to say.

So to finish off this "wordy-no words" entry, I would like to once again thank our friends, prayer warriors and readers for hanging in there with us, even when I seemingly have nothing to say.

Stay tuned. You KNOW I will have much more to say in the not too distant future. :)

SONDAY MUSIC (For Moms :)

2009-05-10T14:07:00.001-07:00

Well, it's Sonday once again. It's also Mother's Day, so. . .

HAPPY MOTHER'S DAY to all the moms out there!!!

They played this one in church this morning. It's really cute and says it all. I went searching and here it is. The Mom Song by Jamie, Jason & Andy, otherwise known as Go Fish (a really talented Christian {usually} a capella group!) For more information on the guys, go to: Go Fish

WHAT KIND OF LOVE?

2009-05-07T20:55:00.001-07:00

Pardon me, Rodney Crowell, for stealing your song title and some of your lyrics, but I can't get your song out of my head. The song is "What Kind of Love?" and part of the chorus says:

"What kind of love makes you go out in the wind and the driving rain?
What kind of love runs through your heart with a pleasure so close to pain?
What kind of love?
Only this love that I have"

A cancer diagnosis brings out a lot of "stuff." I've had a question kicking around in my head since Day 1 and I have to get it out. Here it is: Is the love I have for Ray enough to "go out in the wind and the driving rain? "

We will be married 37 years in August. We've known each other for almost 41 years. That's a long time. Married love tends to deteriorate. Maybe that's not the right word. I don't mean it goes bad, more like it gets mundane. After all those years, you kiss him as he runs out the door in the morning, you touch base by phone sometime during the day to remind him to bring home the groceries you forgot and you peck him on the cheek at night. In between there is dinner, some conversation if you're lucky and maybe some lovin' if Jupiter aligns with Mars. :) It's just not like it was in the beginning. Does it need to be? Doesn't your love need to mature, as both of you are doing? (Read that "getting old :)

Well, if this cancer thing hadn't hit us, we might have continued down that road. Comfy, like an old pair of shoes. But God chose this time in our lives to hit us with a cattle prod. Ray needs a lot of support right now. Reassurance, gentle treatment, support and, yes, love. But how much love? Does he need the same kind of love I showed him when we first met? Probably not. That was pretty much infatuation. . . with a little lust thrown in. What about when we got married four years later? Is that the kind of love he needs? I don't think so. There was still a bit of infatuation in that love, but that love was young, not tried or tested in the fire. Good love, but inexperienced. What about the love when the kids finally came? That was a love born out of work, mutual pitching-in, "Let's roll up our elbows and dig in, hon." It was good love, but it was exhausting love. Two "older" folks trying to deal with three little kids. Most nights, we didn't even get to the peck on the cheek. We were simply too tired.

So here we are, 37 years down the road and he needs a special kind of love to get him through this. Am I up to the task? Do I even know how to define this kind of love? Am I capable of loving somebody like Ray needs to be loved now? Part of me thinks I am. But in that hour just before dawn, when I'm usually laying there awake and time passes oh, so slowly, I wonder. I've been sick a lot of years. I have mobility problems. I have chronic pain disorders. My energy is spent most days just in getting through one more day. The kids are teenagers. They need me. My mother needs me. He needs me. And now. . . he needs me a lot. Is there anything left? The thought that the answer might be no haunts me. The Bible says that a man is to be the woman's covering. Sometimes, though, you have to switch roles, if even for a little while. Is there enough left of me to cover him with the love he needs right now?

The answer has to lie with trusting God. The only way I can do this is by putting Philippians 4:13 into effect. "I can do all things through Christ who strengthens me." (NKJV) I can't do it by myself. I honestly don't think there's enough of me left. But I do know who has what's needed here and that's God. I wear a silver cross around my neck that says, "With God, All Things Are Possible." I have to remember that. I am inadequate, but God is totally adequate, more than adequate. He can love Ray the way he needs to be loved and do it through me.

Ray needs a lot right now. God is certainly up to the task, even for "a love that goes out in the wind and the driving rain." Thank you, Lord, for being my umbrella.

CATACOMBS OF DOMITILLA (follow-up)

2009-05-07T10:31:00.001-07:00

I have gotten some comments and questions about this blog post. Here's what I found on Wikipedia about these catacombs:

Catacombs of Domitilla

Main article: Catacombs of Domitilla

Bearded Christ, from catacombs of Commodilla

Close to the Catacombs of San Callisto are the large and impressive Catacombs of Domitilla (named after Saint Domitilla), spread over 15 kilometers of underground caves. Entrance is through a sunken 4th-century church, at via delle Sette Chiese 280. Those catacombs are oldest of Rome's underground burial networks, and the only one to still contain bones. Catacombs include 2nd-century fresco of the Last Supper and other valuable artifacts.

In the beginning of 2009, at the request of the Vatican, Divine Word Missionaries––an Roman Catholic Society of priests and Brothers––assumed responsibility as administrator of St. Domitilla Catacombs.

The practice of burying the dead underground began in the 2nd century. The soft volcanic rock under Rome makes tunneling quite easy, and when the material is exposed to air it becomes very hard. In and around Rome there are miles of these underground burial caves built between the 2nd and 9th centuries.

The Catacombs of St. Domitilla are the best preserved and one of the most extensive of all the catacombs. This catacomb is also unique in that it has a subterranean basilica. The basilica eventually became unsafe and it was abandoned in the 9th century. It was rediscovered in 1593, and much of it was reconstructed in 1870.

SOMETHING "REALLY" DIFFERENT TODAY!!!

2009-05-07T07:17:00.001-07:00

Most of you who know me know that I'm a history buff extraordinaire. I've taught it, read it, watched it, you name it. I just can't get enough, so. . . when I saw this highlighted on Breaking Christian News this morning, I just had to show it to you! The short article is under the video screen. You can follow the link to the full BBC article, which gives permission to share the video far and wide! (Sorry it's taking up some of my side panel, but this was too good NOT to post!!!)

Rome's Largest Catacomb Digitally Documented; Results "Astonishing"
Teresa Neumann (May 7, 2009)

(Rome, Italy)—Until now, Rome's many 1,800-year-old underground catacombs have never been fully documented. But, following a recent 3-year project by a team of Austrian and Italian archaeologists, architects and computer scientists working to create the "first fully comprehensive three-dimensional image" of the largest catacomb, Saint Domitilla, that has changed.

According to a BBC report, the new, moving, images of this entire underground system have opened up the "beautiful subterranean world in a way that it has never been seen before." (Photo: BBC)

The report notes that the final result of the scans are astonishing. Says reporter Duncan Kennedy: "On a computer screen, you can now see the whole underground complex. Using different buttons on the key pad, you can zoom in on the tunnels. You can travel 'through' walls, down corridors and into chambers, giving the first real sense of its beauty, scale and detail. Paintings on walls, which have not been seen in nearly 2,000 years, are now visible—their colours vivid and clear."

Follow the link provided to read this article in its entirety.

Source: Duncan Kennedy—The BBC

A CHANGE IN TOPIC :)

2009-05-06T07:26:00.000-07:00

Let's get away from the C-word for a little bit. Whaddya think? I think it's a good day for some other news.

Some of you know, some of you don't, that I co-host a wonderful podcast called Grace Talk Soup. Grace Talk Soup (or GTS) boldly serves up God's word with a side order of humor and a touch of grace! My co-host, JoJo Tabares, is an expert communicator. JoJo holds a degree in Speech Communication and has over 25 years experience in writing about how we communicate (or don't) with each other. Don't need it, you say? Oh, ye of little faith!!! Communication does NOT equal Speech. You can get through your entire life without making a formal speech, but I dare you to get through one day of your life without communicating something to someone! Go on, try it! I dare ya!!!

And the icing on the GTS cake came in just this morning!!! We were picked up by Internet Radio Magazine and interviewed! You can read all about us here: Internet Talk Radio on GTS. To say we are excited is. . . well, let's just call it an understatement. Grace Talk Soup is on the move!!!

We broadcast every Thursday morning via Talk Shoe, 11AM EDT/8AM PDT. Find us here. You can join us in the chat room, on the phone or BOTH! We have lots of fun and tackle some of the tough Christian questions of our day. . . and we sneak in some Communication FUNdamentals besides! We do a great segment called I Love Language where I play Ethel the Editor to JoJo's Lucy Linguist. We have a lot of fun. You will, too. Tomorrow, we begin our May Mini-Series on one of JoJo's best studies, Say What You Mean: Defending the Faith.

Speaking of JoJo, there is a lot of fun coming up over at her labor of love, Art of Eloquence.com. You can get all the details from her latest blog entry. Go take a look-see. Follow her blog. You will learn some amazing stuff! Oh, oh, oh. . . don't forget to sign up for her newsletter!!! She offers specials and freebies you will not find ANYWHERE ELSE!!!

If you are a homeschooler, JoJo writes supercalifragilisticexpealidocious curricula for communication skills! And don't forget to check out her mascot, FIMM (Foot in Mouth Man). Our lovable FIMM will teach you how NOT to say it. :)

Now isn't that better than a cancer report? ROFLOL Well, only if it's a bad one. Stay tuned to this blog for more VICTORIOUS cancer reports sure to come. . .

REMEMBER: All things are possible with God.

WHAT MAKES A GOOD COUPLE?

2009-05-05T20:53:00.000-07:00

Since this blog talks about the emotions of "us," Ray & Carla, during a somewhat trying time in our long, long, long. . . did I say long? :) . . . marriage, I often wonder what makes some couples that you never thought would make it stick together forever and why some that you just know were formed in heaven divorce sooner rather than later. I mean, hey, at our wedding, my family was making book in the front row about how many weeks this was gonna last! ROFLOL

I found this in the latest issue of Today's Christian Woman. It makes some very good points.

SECRETS OF SUCCESSFUL COUPLES

1. There's value in just showing up. When things get tough, hang in there for your spouse.

2. Approach problems from a new angle. If you don't, you'll find that doing what you always do brings the same results.

3. Resist the grass is greener myth. Instead, put your energy into making your marriage better. Grass is greenest where you water it.

4. Don't quit when it gets tough. A crisis is like a storm: loud, scary and dangerous. But to get through a storm, you have to keep driving.

5. Fight the battle between your ears. Resist holding grudges and bringing up the past. The most successful couples live by the motto: Forget and let it go.

--Mitch Temple, from The Marriage Turnaround (Moody)

Just When You Thought You Had It All Figured Out. . .

2009-05-04T14:13:00.000-07:00

. . . life comes along and throws you yet another curve ball. We just found out today that the lovely "cowpie heaven" we live in has no DaVinci Robot and, while our doctor is more than happy to do the surgery, we'd have to travel quite a bit for it. Now in a perfect world, this wouldn't pose too much of a problem except for the fact that I have 3 kids at home who wouldn't be able to handle an emergency without one of us here and a mother who would be more of a hindrance than a help. I can't leave them alone that long, nor can I afford to keep driving back and forth. So now. . . we need a new option. There aren't too many to begin with. We had it narrowed down to two: (1) the robotic surgery or (2) a focal cryoablation, which is the freezing of the diseased part of the prostate to kill it.

The main problem behind Door No. 2 is that you need constant follow-up. As soon as your numbers start to creep up (IF they do), you're back on a biopsy table with the choices facing you all over again if they find additional cells. Still, with Ray's cancer so nicely contained, the doc feels it is a very viable option. It's also a same-day procedure AND done locally, so I can take him there, wait for them to be finished with him and bring him home the same night. Much easier logistics.

Still. . . Door No. 1 holds the prize. The Robotic Prostatectomy is still the way to go here, according to everyone we've talked to and all the reading we've done. There is next to no follow-up as the prostate is hasta la vista, baby! Nothing left to biopsy if the number should ever creep up. If it did, we would know that something had escaped prior and we would have to see a regular oncologist to track where in the body the nasty little bugger decided to go on vakay. OYE!!! Still, full prostate removal (prostatectomy) is the only procedure with long-term studies to prove its effectiveness. The robotic prostatectomy is the easiest on the patient. The focal cryoablation is a relatively new study with only about two years of results.

What to do? What to do? What to do? SCREAM!!!!!!!!!!!! Well, actually. . . no. That wouldn't help, but it would feel OH SO GOOD!!!

First step, Ray is going to go read some of the cryoablation support groups he's found on the net. The best way is to see what the guys say who have actually gone through this. (Our doctor concurs wholeheartedly.) The "focal" cryoablation (focused only on the one bad section) has a lot fewer side affects than when they attempt to freeze and destroy the entire prostate. So that's one thing we can do. We are still scheduled to see Dr. Lee on the 22nd as Ray's insides have to totally heal and that will take up to 8 weeks from the last biopsies.

Dr. Lee gave us some email addresses so we can petition the local hospital to buy him Robbie the Robot. He said they listen to consumers much more than they listen to doctors. He wants one BAD and this region sorely needs one. It's not only useful in prostate surgery, but in many gynecological procedures AND heart surgeries! It is called "bloodless surgery" and it would really help a lot of people in this area. So for our local friends, I will be contacting you soon with the emails and a sample letter to go begging with. LOL IF Ray decides to do the focal cryoablation, he could need the robot down the road, so we'd love to get one in place.

Today's Lesson (It's an old one, but not easily learned): This is NOT a perfect world and just when you think you have it all figured out, you don't. SIGH

IT'S SONDAY ONCE AGAIN

2009-05-03T06:40:00.001-07:00

I can't believe the week went by so fast! Especially, since we were expecting the Friday miracle, but sorta kinda preparing for the Friday disappointment. I almost said "Friday despair," but that's not quite right. We knew that even if it was bad, we would give the battle to the Lord, while fighting the things we could fight on our own down here. Still, this week was a wild roller coaster ride of emotions for both of us. We got through it. We got our miracle. Some folks have said, "What miracle? He still has cancer and still has to have his prostate removed." Well, yeah. But once it's gone, he will be cured. Had the cancer spread, it still could have been cured, but with a lot more pain and suffering on Ray's part and a whole lot more life-altering stress on this family. So as far as we're concerned, prostatectomy or not, we got our miracle!

And now to celebrate our miracle (THANK YOU, JESUS!!!), here's a great Sonday song for you. A few years ago, Ray actually sang this in church and brought the house down with it. I wish I had a video of that performance. I don't. So you will just have to do with the little known (HAH!), composer and singer of the song, Chris Tomlin. (I LUV LUV LUV Chris Tomlin's music!). This song, How Can I Keep From Singing? is exactly how we feel on this somewhat-dreary-outside but very-bright-in-our-hearts Sonday morning!

PRASE THE LORD!

VICTORY SOCKS!!!

2009-05-01T16:36:00.000-07:00

Well, folks, this is going to be one of the best blog posts I've had the pleasure of writing since this blog began! We just got back from the doctor's office with some REALLY great news! Ray's cancer is totally contained and has not grown!!! No metastasis anywhere else! WOO HOO!!!!! So. . . bottom line is that we go back in 3 weeks too have surgery scheduled. The doctor said it will take his body 5-6 weeks to recover from the swelling caused by the last round of biopsies. The surgery will probably be sometime in the first 2 weeks of June.

The surgery will be a DaVinci Robotic Radical Prostatectomy. That's some mouthful, huh? :) Our doctor is one of the pioneers of this robotic surgical technique for prostate cancer. He has taught it in several major universities and hospitals. It's a laparascopic surgery (5 small incisions) so it will only entail an overnight hospital stay. There are very few side effects and Ray should be able to resume his normal activities in about 2 weeks. The BESTEST news, though, is that with his "young" age (snicker, snort, chortle. . . but he's young for prostate cancer) and otherwise fine physical condition, the doc is predicting a 100% CURE!!! Is that not the loveliest word (gimme a C, gimme a U, gimme an R, gimme an E !!!) you have heard here??? I know it is for me. :)

Now what about those socks? When Ray's PSA came back through the roof, I figured I would be sitting in lots of waiting rooms so I wanted to start a pair of socks for him. I've been knitting for over 50 years and socks are my favorite. They are small and very portable, easy to carry in your purse. I mentioned it to him and he was thrilled, as I had not made him new socks in a long time. He went through my stash and picked out the yarn he wanted. He told me these would be his victory socks. Is he prophetic or WHAT? He wore them to the first results conference with Dr. Lee, through the saturation biopsy and today for. . . THE VICTORY!!! Yes, I know they are only socks, but I prayed into every stitch, much like you do when making a prayer shawl. Oh, I am making him one of those, too, so when he does his short stay in the hospital, he will have my prayers to wrap up in.

I can't thank all of our friends, family and blog readers enough for praying for us. But please don't abandon the blog! We still have a lot of emotions to work through and will keep you posted on Ray's road to surgery, preparations, actual procedure and his recuperation. He is going to be making some more appearances here, too.

Tonight, we are going to chill and watch a movie. Both of us feel like an astronomical weight has been lifted from our shoulders. Our daughter, the poet, drew a pic with "I Love Daddy" on it and asked me to give it to him for the doctor's visit. He loved it. When we came home, he thanked her profusely, gave her a big hug, told her he was going to have surgery but then he will be just fine. She is elated. Her daddy will not only be walking her down the aisle when the time comes, but rocking her children on his knees, too. :)

Now we're off to sing a few choruses of Victory in Jesus!

IT'S FRIDAY, MAY 1ST!

2009-05-01T06:20:00.001-07:00

Well, friends, today is the day we find out if Ray's cancer has metastasized or not. That answer will affect the treatment modality he chooses. We are looking for the good report!

The appointment is at 3:30PM Eastern Time today. Please pray with us and then watch the blog. I will post the update later on tonight.

Thank you to all our Prayer Warriors, Blog Readers, Friends & Family (or any combination of the above!)

DO YOU KNOW YOUR PSA NUMBER?

2009-04-30T19:04:00.000-07:00

If you are a man over 40 and you don't, YOU SHOULD! Ray and I are feeling the need to educate our blog readers with some facts, along with the emotions coursing through both of us on this blog. Did you know that prostate cancer is the 2nd leading cause of cancer death in men, second only to lung cancer? Yep, No. 2. Why? Well, one reason is it's not a cancer that shows early symptoms. When actual related symptoms appear, it's usually fairly well along. Another reason is that this is more of a "personal" cancer and a lot of men do not like the screening tests. Also, men tend to not to go doctors in general. That's the bad news.

The good news is that when detected early, prostate cancer is treatable and curable in a lot of cases. So how do you detect it early? You have your doctor order a PSA in your latest blood test.

What exactly is a PSA? Here's some important information from the site Us TOO .

"Prostate-specific antigen is a substance that is normally produced by the prostate gland and a small amount of PSA can usually be detected in the blood. However, if the prostate begins to make too much PSA, it could be a sign of an enlarged prostate (also known as BPH – benign prostatic hyperplasia), inflammation, or cancer. The doctor will draw blood and measure the PSA level.

"Although the exact definition of “normal” PSA level continues to be debated, Us TOO suggests that the following ranges be used:

Establish a baseline by age 40 if you are African American or have a family history of prostate cancer, but no later than age 45 for all other men.
Track your PSA score over time. PSA doubling time and PSA velocity are currently thought to be better for telling how aggressive a cancer is than knowing your current PSA number.

"We are all unique – PSA levels vary from person to person."

Ray and I cannot stress enough how important it is for all you """older guys""" to get checked out. It's really an easy, simple and quick test plus some blood. Isn't your life worth that much?

FEAR FACTOR

2009-04-29T07:51:00.000-07:00

I woke up afraid this morning. Afraid of what? To be honest with you, it's almost 11AM and I'm still not sure. All I know is that I feel that familiar sickness creeping deep within my gut, telling me that something is coming, something that I definitely will not like. I really hate this feeling. Still, it plagues me.

Why should I fear? God is NOT a God of fear; he is a God of hope and faith and righteousness. Some folks say fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. I'm sure this is some of it. The adversary screwing with my mind. Some of it, too, is that Friday's coming. Friday is the day we find out if the cancer has grown or spread. And although the decision has 99 and 44/100ths percent been made on what we are going to do about this, it could. . . and I emphasize could. . . be modified by what we hear on Friday. There could also be a good report on Friday, that the cancer is totally contained and we get those beautiful words, 100% curable. So why am I playing Darth Vader and dwelling on the dark side?

Maybe it's because I hear a verse playing around in my head. Although I love all Scripture, there are some verses that are a little more ominous to me than others; case in point: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Co. 12:9 NIV) I have repeated this over and over with my hands in the air, worshipping my heart out, in church and at home, where it's safe. But if the worst should come to pass and I become extremely weak (read that "alone"), will His grace be sufficient for me? Right now, I can say yes to that; when push comes to shove, I'm not so sure. So for now I will rest in the eloquent words of the man I admire most in the Old Testament, King David:

"I will have no fear of bad news; my heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." (Psalm 112:7 NIV modified to make it personal to me)

I love King David because he was so real. He made mistakes. He sinned willingly and deliberately. He committed some real whoppers, but. . .he knew how to repent and please God. He knew what was important to him. His final answer was God. And for that, to the day he died, he was still a man after God's own heart. Oh, that I will be a woman after God's own heart, no matter what. . . no matter what, Lord.

THE FACE OF CANCER

2009-04-28T18:09:00.000-07:00

What does cancer look like? I never really thought much about it until we ran into a good friend of mine and her husband in the store last week. Her husband hadn't seen Ray in awhile. They, of course, knew about his cancer. It had been awhile since the men had seen each other. Now, admittedly, Ray has lost some weight, but he's not emaciated or anything like that. He's got about the same amount of gray hair he's had for the last few years. I haven't noticed any new wrinkles. He looks like. . . well, he looks like Ray, the guy I've been married to for over 36 years. However, that night, my friend called me up and said her husband was shocked. He said that he felt Ray was trying to look like nothing was wrong, but he could see he was sick. He said something in his eyes and the way he carried himself gave it away. That threw me. I still can't see it. Am I blind to it? Is it because I don't want to see it? Is it because I see him every day and sleep with him every night? Not sure.

This essay was kind of born that night as I began seriously thinking about how cancer changes you and, in particular, this gentleman's wife. She is one of my dearest friends. She has had cancer for 21 years. She has been written up in many medical journals for her long fight against this insidious disease. She is not doing too well now and we may be coming into the home stretch. Does she look sick? No, not really. Oh, I know her very well and can tell when she's tired or the meds are doing her in. Lately, her breathing is affected since her lung cancer has returned. But if you don't know her and you look at her, all you would see is a sweet, middle-aged lady. Or would you? I'm so close to her, I'm not sure. Would someone else react to her as her husband did to my husband?

When I had cancer, did I look different? I had people tell me I looked pale. I didn't lose much weight. I was a little weak, but I looked like. . . well, like me. My sister-in-law had breast cancer. I wasn't with her during this time. I wanted to be, but couldn't. She sent pictures, though. She looked like. . . well, her. She lost her hair for a time. That gave it away. But did she shrink into nothingness, her beautiful blue eyes turning stone gray? No. Her smile still lit up her face and her voice was still her usual cheery self. The principal at my daughter's middle school has the same type of cancer my husband has. He had to tell me. I couldn't tell from looking at him. He is a big man. He's still a big man. His color is good. His eyes are bright. His smile is the same.

So. . . back to my original question. What does cancer look like? It looks like my husband, my dear friend, my sister-in-law, me a few years ago, the principal at my daughter's school. It may look like that person in line next to you at the grocery store. It may look like your child's teacher. It may look like you a few years from now. The bottom line is that it looks like all of us. Treat people kindly. You just never know. They may have cancer, too.

A BLESSED SONDAY TO YOU ALL

2009-04-25T19:40:00.000-07:00

I decided that aside from various and sundry ramblings, on Sondays I'm going to post some of our favorite music. Ray is a singer. He has a beautiful tenor voice. I just sorta warble along, but I sing. Hey, God considers it a joyful noise, even if nobody else does. LOL Music means a lot to both of us and when we are down, we crank up the Christian tunes, certain ones more than others. This one. . . well, let's just say I think I wore holes in a couple of CDs. It's in the car, it's on all of our computers, it's everywhere.

We were married in a little tiny ceremony many, many years ago. So when we reached our 30th anniversary, we decided to do a rededication and have a "real" wedding. I even got to wear a white dress! It was a blast, even though I was deathly ill at the time. I wouldn't have traded that day for anything in the world! This song was our recessional and the whole church was out of the pews and into the aisles, singing and King David dancing to it.

So without further ado, here is the incomparable Paul Wilbur singing "Days of Elijah" from the album, Jerusalem Arise!

CAIAPHAS, THE CANCER CELL

2009-04-25T17:58:00.000-07:00

Did you notice this little guy on my post entitled, "Ms. Pac-Man Rides Again?" I decided he needed a name, so. . . meet Caiaphas, the Cancer Cell! (Check out John 11:49 if you don't know who Caiaphas was in the Bible :) What you may not know is that this Caiaphas was lovingly created by my dear friend and co-host on the Grace Talk Soup Podcast, JoJo Tabares (http://www.artofeloquence.com) . When we first discussed my "day mare," JoJo told me to forward her the draft and she would design him for me! Caiaphas was the second try and he was perfect! This is what I battle in my head daily. Keeps me going in the gym! (That and the fact that I need to be physically strong to help Ray when he's recuperating from surgery.)

So. . . JoJo. . . not sure how I can thank you for designing Caiaphas so perfectly. I can say that my prayer for all of you reading this is that you have at least one friend in your life like JoJo. I can't even describe to you the blessing she has been in my life. I love you, sweet pea!

SATAN IS ALIVE & WELL & LIVING IN SOUTH JERSEY

2009-04-25T07:08:00.000-07:00

I hesitate to write this one, but the thought came to me that if we are truly going to help anyone, including ourselves, we will have to write about all of it, the good, bad and the ugly. Last night, it got supremely ugly around here. My head says it was just the boiling over of emotions, fears and the like. My heart is still upset, afraid and shook. It will blow over, of that I am sure. Still, "here" was a place you did NOT want to be last night.

It all started innocently enough. I was trying to get some information out of Ray, who is basically a quiet and peaceful type of guy, in stark contrast to my highly emotional self. He's been feeling like I've been badgering him into my way of thinking about all of this. Maybe I have. . . some. I guess I feel like I know a little bit about this from having been there before. And maybe sometimes I forget how different the two of us are and how, oftentimes, we arrive at the same destination by wildly different paths. Suffice it to say that my innocent question was perceived the wrong way and it started an argument. The argument led to a full-fledged fight. The fight led up to a moment so volatile that, at one point, he came rushing at me, screaming and threatening. It looked like he was going to attack me. You feel like you know someone after a 40-year relationship, right? Guess what? Cancer can bring out parts of you no one ever knew were there before. I'll admit to you right now that it scared the crap outta me!

Then it devolved into a crying jag on both our parts. We talked. That was the good part. It still wasn't settled. We argued some more. It went on like this for what seemed like forever. I collapsed into a pool of tears on the floor. (For those of you who know how difficult it is for me to get up off the floor, you'll know what a big mistake this was :) He tried to talk to me. I wouldn't listen. Back and forth we went.

Finally, maybe due to nothing but sheer exhaustion, we settled things out. . . sorta kinda. I think we're in agreement. He says we are. This morning things look a little different. It's like the memory of a bad dream. I know the kids heard it. Not good. Still, I feel weary and exhausted and wrung out like an overused dishrag. Say a prayer for us, okay?

I guess the moral of this sad tale is that no matter how confident you think you are, no matter how united you think you are, a stressor like cancer can cause you to act like folks you're really not. My friends, if you are in this type of situation, never forget these two verses:

1 Peter 5:8-9: Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And. . .

John 10:10: The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. (Both NIV)

We forgot for just a moment last night. That's all it took. Lesson learned. But. . . Dear Lord, why do some lessons have to be so hard?

I HAVE CANCER

2009-04-24T16:10:00.000-07:00

There. I said it. I...Have...Cancer. Until now, I just couldn't speak those three simple, terrible words. I would say, "I've been diagnosed with cancer," or, "I had a biopsy and one of the samples was bad." It's as if avoiding the direct statement -- I have cancer -- could make it not real, not mine. But it is real. It is mine. Other men have the same kind of cancer, indistinguishable in the lab. But those are their cancers. This one is mine, invading my prostate, attached to my cells.

I have cancer. If I face it I can fight it. By naming and claiming this cancer as my personal enemy, I put my entire self -- body, mind and spirit -- in battle mode. Medicine, attitude and faith together will defeat it.

I have cancer. By taking charge of that reality, I can accept and even embrace the help I need, from friends, co-workers, church members and family. I can let go and allow my wife to be strong for me as I recover from surgery. I can surrender to the perfect will and healing power of my Lord and Savior.

I have cancer. Cancer does not have me.

Ray

THE MAYONNAISE JAR

2009-04-24T05:45:00.000-07:00

I had originally intended this blog to be the writings of only my family, but this piece so touched me I had to put it here. I have been getting studies from Rinah Shalom for a long, long time. Her credits are at the bottom, in case you feel inclined to partake of her work. Enjoy the wisdom this beautiful Friday morning! I am going to do my best to follow it.

The Mayonnaise Jar

A professor stood before his philosophy class
And had some items in front of him.
When the class began, wordlessly,
He picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar
And proceeded to fill it with golf balls.

He then asked the students,
If the jar was full.
They agreed that it was.

The professor then picked up a box of pebbles
And poured them into the jar.
He shook the jar lightly.
The pebbles rolled into the open
Areas between the golf balls.

He then asked
The students again
If the jar was full.
They agreed it was.

The professor next picked up a box of sand
And poured it into the jar.
Of course, the sand filled up everything else.
He asked once more if the jar was full.
The students responded
With an unanimous 'yes.'

The professor then produced
Two cups of coffee from under the table
And poured the entire contents Into the jar, effectively
Filling the empty space between the sand.
The students laughed.

'Now,' said the professor,
As the laughter subsided,
'I want you to recognize that
This jar represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things -
God, family, children, health,
Friends, and Favorite passions –
Things that if everything else was lost
And only they remained,
Your life would still be full.

The pebbles are the other things that matter
Like your job, house and car.

The sand is everything else.
The small stuff.

'If you put the sand into the jar first,'
He continued, 'there is no room for
The pebbles or the golf balls.
The same goes for life.

If you spend all your time
And energy on the small stuff,
You will never have room for
The things that are
Important to you.

So... When things in your life seem,
Almost too much to handle,
When 24 Hours in a day is not enough,
Remember the mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.

Pay attention to the things
That are critical to your happiness.
Play With your children.
Take time to get medical checkups.
Take your partner out to dinner.

There will always be time
To clean the house and fix the disposal.

'Take care of the golf balls first --
The things that really matter.
Set your priorities. The rest is just sand.'

One of the students raised her hand
And inquired what the coffee represented.

The professor smiled.
'I'm glad you asked'.

It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem, there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

Torah Studies: http://rinahshal.tripod.com /
Times of Refreshing I: http://rinah--shalom.tripod.com/
Times of Refreshing II: http://rinah.shalom.tripod.com/

Moadim - Jewish Holidays: http://rinah-shalom.tripod.com/

His Word http://rinahshalom.tripod.com/

Wisdom For Living: http://rinahshal.tripod.com/wisdomforliving

AND NOW FOR THE LUNACY PART. . .

2009-04-23T19:10:00.000-07:00

MS. PAC-MAN RIDES AGAIN!

First off, let me say that I am DEFINITELY NOT a video game aficionado; my kids are. Once the games got past the skill set needed for Tetris and Mario Kart, I was outta there. (And I’m not very good at Mario Kart either!) However, I have been going to the gym daily in an attempt to get stronger for when Ray needs me after whatever he is going to do to fight this cancer. I have my own medical issues. I am in pretty good basic health, all things considered, but was left with some mobility problems. So strength training is a must if I want to be a full and Godly help-meet for him.

So there I was, kicking some serious tushy at the gym and, as frequently happens, my mind started to wander. As usual, I was thinking about hubby’s cancer. It sorta kinda occupies my thoughts these days. I’m not petrified or even really scared anymore. I guess I’m just somewhat nervous about it. So even though I should be taking it a bit easier on the torture devices. . . ooops, I mean gym equipment. . . I was really pushing it hard.

All of a sudden, I am seeing black spots before my eyes. HUH? I grab for my pulse. It was right where it should be for that level of activity. What gives? The spots increase. Now I’m really seeing things. UH-OH, they're growing legs!!! By now, I’m pretty sure I’m not getting enough oxygen so I start slowing down my pace, but . . . oh, no, they’re looking back at me!

They’re taunting me, laughing at me, coming after me. Now I know something really bizarre is going on or present circumstances have totally pushed me off my rocker. . . provided I had one to begin with. I inch closer to the evil things and then it hits me. These aren’t some freaked-out floaters in my line of sight. They’re not little spiders coming at me from the woods surrounding our home in some warped day mare. These are. . . RAY’S CANCER CELLS!!! Well, honeeeeeeeeee. . . now I’m mad. I turn into Ms. Pac-Man and attack! I start gobbling them up. I start beating them up. I start tearing them up. I’m all over those things with every inch of my being! How dare they attack the one I love!!! I’m gonna show them a thing or two!

Then, as I’m having a grand old time in super destruction mode, out of nowhere comes a huge, black gun. It’s big and heavy. I can barely lift it. Still, I drop into a proper crouch position and heft it onto my shoulder. Looks like just the perfect thing for a little wholesale slaughter on those cancer cells, which, by the way, are still coming at me, mocking me, laughing at me, threatening me, my husband, my family. I pull the trigger. BOOM! The recoil almost knocks me down. But then. . . where’s the ammo? HUH? Who gives someone a gun with no ammo? (Even in a fantasy this is a big no-no.) Is this a bad joke, only a bad dream after all? I still have cancer cells to kill. I NEED AMMO!!! And then, floating above me, I see the ammo. . . only it wasn’t a bullet, it was a prayer! The word “prayer” comes flying out of the gun. It lands on one of those black, ugly, disgusting things from the pit of hell. The black thing goes up in a blaze of glory, shrieking as it literally gets smoked out of existence. Now THIS is fun! I quick grab up the gun again and start firing as fast as I can. I’m really gaining on them now. I am thoroughly enjoying the insane shrieks every time I hit one and how their creepy bodies writhe as they go up in smoke. TAKE THAT!!! AND THAT!!! AND SOME MORE!!! It was like the original Batman show of my teens. . . SLAM!!! SPLAT!!! KNOCKOUT!!! KAPOW!!!! I actually see the words in the comic bubbles, just like on that old TV show.

I drop the gun and start chasing the few that remain. I am simply gonna jump on them, beat the snot right outta them and finish the job. NO MORE CANCER!!! WOO HOO!!! And then I feel a tap on my shoulder. “Hey, leave me alone, I’m havin’ some righteous fun here!!!” I feel it again. My eyes snap open and. . . the lady next to me is wanting to know if I’m going to move off the machine so she can use it. Then, as she tries to giggle quietly into her hand, she asks me, “What did that machine do to you?” What's she talking about? She says, “It sure looked like you were trying to kill it from over here.” She giggles some more as I sheepishly climb down off the machine so she can have a go at it. It is only then that I realize I have been fighting Ray’s cancer cells in my mind. It was a very real and colorful visualization, albeit a humorous one. It had to be humorous. That’s how I handle everything, by laughing. If not, I’ll start crying. The laughter keeps some of the pain away. Ray always says that life is way too important to waste it taking it too seriously. He’s right. :)

I finish my workout. I am assured I will not be barred from the gym, despite my attempt at destroying their equipment. They know what I’m going through. They are all supportive. It’s a God thing. However, they did request that I post the following disclaimer, for future reference:

PLEASE NOTE: NO GYM EQUIPMENT WAS HARMED IN THE WRITING OF THIS BLOG POST!

GOT FAITH?

2009-04-23T06:23:00.000-07:00

Hubby and I went to Bible Study last night. Our Pastor is away in Europe. His son spoke. It was good. He touched on a lot of things that have been floating through what passes for my gray matter these days. One statement, though, hit me like the proverbial ton of bricks. He said, "Sometimes you just have to go through the trial to grow your faith." Did I want to hear this? No. Did I need to hear this? Yes. Wanna know a secret? I knew this. I needed the reminder. I'd rather forget.

Years ago, when I was lying in my hospital bed, everyone telling me I was dying, the saints from our church would come flying into my room and excitedly proclaim, "I have a scripture for you!" It was always Psalm 46:10, "Be still and know that I am God." It was always the same. "Be still and know that I am God." As much as I love that scripture, when you're sick to the point of death it is not what you want to hear. You want to see the skies darken, an intense bolt of lightening appear out of the blackness and a booming voice from heaven proclaim, "Be thou healed. . . like NOW!!!" It didn't happen. "Be still and know that I am God." Sometimes you just have to go through the trial to grow your faith. Did my faith grow then? Yes.

So now we are in another growth spurt. Is my faith growing now? Yes. Do I want to go through the trial now knowing it is to grow my faith? No. I'm stubborn like that. I want it all to go right. I know Jesus said that we will have tribulations, but not to worry as He overcame the world. I have the head knowledge, but my heart is still sad. However, to quote a very wise young man, "Sometimes you just have to go through the trial to grow your faith." So be it, Lord. So be it.

ONE

2009-04-22T19:02:00.000-07:00

We don't live in a vacuum. My husband's cancer has also affected our children. Our "baby," now 13, has begun expressing herself through her writing, usually in poetry or in song. This is what she wrote:

One

One hug to show you care
One kiss to show you'll always be there
One day to tell me you love me
One hour to show me we'll always be
One minute to show you'll be by my side
One second to show you won't run and hide
One touch to tell me you're sorry for anything you ever do
One kiss from me to show you I love you.

Copyright @2009 Lilly Ives

Some kidlet, huh? :)

THE WATCHER

2009-04-21T19:38:00.000-07:00

I had lung disease for 17 years. I prayed for strength and courage. I got it. I beat it. I went from eight lung meds down to one. . .and then down to none. My diagnosis was COPD; now it's mild asthma. I haven't even used an inhaler in years.

I had cancer. I handled that, too. I prayed for strength. Once again, I got it. I no longer have cancer. I beat it.

I had MRSA. I prayed for strength and, once again, God was good. The docs say I still have it somewhere in my body, but it hasn't actively reoccurred in almost seven years. As far as i'm concerned, it's gone. I beat it.

Throughout all of this and a lot more, my husband was the watcher. He was never sick. I always joke that at our wedding, I got the "poorer" from the "for richer, for poorer" part and he got the "in sickness" from the "in sickness and in health" part. He took care of me. He dressed me. He bathed me. He fed me. He set up my meds and my IVs. He took care of the kids when I was sick. He did whatever was necessary. He watched. He waited until I was whole again. Still, I felt it was me going through it. I was the one who had to be strong. I was the one who beat my diseases, with God's help. He only watched.

Now the tables are turned. My husband has cancer. For the first time in many, many years, I am the watcher. I am strong, right? No. Actually, I'm a mess. I could handle it when it was me. I can't seem to get a handle on it now that it's him. I've prayed for strength and courage. I'm receiving it. Still, I am a nervous wreck most of the time. I take care of him. I bathe him. I hold his hand during uncomfortable and frightening procedures. I do whatever's necessary. I'm watching. I'm waiting until he's whole again. Do I have peace, the peace that I will win the fight like I had back when it was me? Am I as assured of victory as I was when it was me in that bed? Not yet. I'm still watching. I'm still waiting.

Watching is hard. I think it's harder than being sick, actually, especially when it's your other half, your soul mate, the God-given love of your life. I've been with him since I was 15 years old. That was long, long ago, in a galaxy far, far away. All of a sudden, the thought struck me that I could lose him. It hit me hard. Real hard. After all, doesn't the Bible say we are one flesh? "For this reason a man will leave his father and mother and be united to his wife, and they shall become one flesh." (Genesis 2:24, NIV) How do you lose half your flesh and still function? I know there are many who can answer that question for me. I just haven't been able to wrap my head around it quite yet. Not so sure I even want to try.

I never knew watching could be so hard. I look in the mirror and now see the same look on my face that I saw on his when they told him to put my affairs in order, that I was dying. He couldn't handle it. I couldn't talk at the time. I was too busy trying to keep breathing. In my dazed and drugged state, I thought it made him weak. He was the watcher. He should have known how to handle it. Now I'm the watcher. I'm not weak. I simply don't know how to handle it. My heart goes out to him for all the times he watched and waited and despaired of ever bringing his wife home to his kids again. Forgive me.

I thought I had the hard job, getting well. Now I know that the hard job is being the watcher. Want to know my theory on why watching is the harder job? I think it's because you finally understand what having no control really means. When it's you that is sick, you can marshal your willpower, get your good cells attacking the bad ones, positive talk yourself right out of that bed. You can't do that for someone else. So you watch. And you wait. And you pray. You pray that the doctors are wrong and it will all work out just fine. I'm praying now, not for strength and courage, but that it will all work out fine for him. For us. I can't marshal his inner forces for him. All I can do is pray. And watch. And for now, that will have to be enough.

"I have heard your prayer, I have seen your tears; surely I will heal you." (2 Kings 20:5 NKJV)