SATAN IS ALIVE & WELL & LIVING IN SOUTH JERSEY

I hesitate to write this one, but the thought came to me that if we are truly going to help anyone, including ourselves, we will have to write about all of it, the good, bad and the ugly. Last night, it got supremely ugly around here. My head says it was just the boiling over of emotions, fears and the like. My heart is still upset, afraid and shook. It will blow over, of that I am sure. Still, "here" was a place you did NOT want to be last night.

It all started innocently enough. I was trying to get some information out of Ray, who is basically a quiet and peaceful type of guy, in stark contrast to my highly emotional self. He's been feeling like I've been badgering him into my way of thinking about all of this. Maybe I have. . . some. I guess I feel like I know a little bit about this from having been there before. And maybe sometimes I forget how different the two of us are and how, oftentimes, we arrive at the same destination by wildly different paths. Suffice it to say that my innocent question was perceived the wrong way and it started an argument. The argument led to a full-fledged fight. The fight led up to a moment so volatile that, at one point, he came rushing at me, screaming and threatening. It looked like he was going to attack me. You feel like you know someone after a 40-year relationship, right? Guess what? Cancer can bring out parts of you no one ever knew were there before. I'll admit to you right now that it scared the crap outta me!

Then it devolved into a crying jag on both our parts. We talked. That was the good part. It still wasn't settled. We argued some more. It went on like this for what seemed like forever. I collapsed into a pool of tears on the floor. (For those of you who know how difficult it is for me to get up off the floor, you'll know what a big mistake this was :) He tried to talk to me. I wouldn't listen. Back and forth we went.

Finally, maybe due to nothing but sheer exhaustion, we settled things out. . . sorta kinda. I think we're in agreement. He says we are. This morning things look a little different. It's like the memory of a bad dream. I know the kids heard it. Not good. Still, I feel weary and exhausted and wrung out like an overused dishrag. Say a prayer for us, okay?

I guess the moral of this sad tale is that no matter how confident you think you are, no matter how united you think you are, a stressor like cancer can cause you to act like folks you're really not. My friends, if you are in this type of situation, never forget these two verses:

1 Peter 5:8-9: Be self-controlled and alert. Your enemy the devil prowls around like a roaring lion looking for someone to devour. Resist him, standing firm in the faith, because you know that your brothers throughout the world are undergoing the same kind of sufferings.

And. . .

John 10:10: The thief comes only to steal, kill and destroy. (Both NIV)

We forgot for just a moment last night. That's all it took. Lesson learned. But. . . Dear Lord, why do some lessons have to be so hard?