I woke up afraid this morning. Afraid of what? To be honest with you, it's almost 11AM and I'm still not sure. All I know is that I feel that familiar sickness creeping deep within my gut, telling me that something is coming, something that I definitely will not like. I really hate this feeling. Still, it plagues me.
Why should I fear? God is NOT a God of fear; he is a God of hope and faith and righteousness. Some folks say fear stands for False Evidence Appearing Real. I'm sure this is some of it. The adversary screwing with my mind. Some of it, too, is that Friday's coming. Friday is the day we find out if the cancer has grown or spread. And although the decision has 99 and 44/100ths percent been made on what we are going to do about this, it could. . . and I emphasize could. . . be modified by what we hear on Friday. There could also be a good report on Friday, that the cancer is totally contained and we get those beautiful words, 100% curable. So why am I playing Darth Vader and dwelling on the dark side?
Maybe it's because I hear a verse playing around in my head. Although I love all Scripture, there are some verses that are a little more ominous to me than others; case in point: "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." (2 Co. 12:9 NIV) I have repeated this over and over with my hands in the air, worshipping my heart out, in church and at home, where it's safe. But if the worst should come to pass and I become extremely weak (read that "alone"), will His grace be sufficient for me? Right now, I can say yes to that; when push comes to shove, I'm not so sure. So for now I will rest in the eloquent words of the man I admire most in the Old Testament, King David:
"I will have no fear of bad news; my heart is steadfast, trusting in the Lord." (Psalm 112:7 NIV modified to make it personal to me)
I love King David because he was so real. He made mistakes. He sinned willingly and deliberately. He committed some real whoppers, but. . .he knew how to repent and please God. He knew what was important to him. His final answer was God. And for that, to the day he died, he was still a man after God's own heart. Oh, that I will be a woman after God's own heart, no matter what. . . no matter what, Lord.
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Oh Carla, you and Ray are so precious to me and I would love to wave my magic wand and make this whole for you. But that's God's domain and I can pray. I don't know what it's like to face this, but I do know what it's like to face a serious illness of a loved one. My dd's heart condition. I prayed and prayed and worried and stressed. But God did heal her and I know He will heal Ray. It's normal for us to be afraid for those we love in the face of illness. But God is a God who gives hope and in that hope I rest and trust and pray you feel it from where you stand.
ReplyDeleteCarla, you and Ray are in my prayers. May God bring you rest and peace during this trying time. The scripture I live by is: Be still and know that I am God! I lived and breathed this scripture while dealing with my mother's ovarian cancer...You and Ray came into my mind and my heart today during class. I am in nursing classes and we are studying the male reporductive system and sure enough, prostate cancer came up. I stopped my taking of notes and put my head down and said a prayer for you both. The doctor asked if I was okay, and I told him that I have an Online friend who going through this right now. He went into detail then about this type of cancer and was very positive with what he had to say. He also stated very matter of fact: Give it to God and let Him take care of it! I was shocked, this coming from a doctor in a public college, that it brought me to tears, to know that God works everywhere we need Him.
ReplyDeleteRemember, Be still and know that I am God! Love to you both. Sorry for the long rant.
Laura Reicher
Partyexchange
This so moved me this evening when I read it, Carla. You are so real - authentic and honest - I strive to be that in my writings and in my conversations with people - and I am still working on it - after years of being "guarded". But when faced with a great "testing" such as you and Ray are faced with - I know it has forced you to let down any walls you may have had before - to allow people into your lives. I have been faced with a "testing" of my own - so can greatly relate to you and your journey. Blessings on you - you have a great support system - and are loved.
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