PAIN

This is gonna be a hard one to write. I haven't said too much about it, but now I feel I must. Honesty is important. We have had so many good times reported on this blog. . . but life isn't all about good times. I've always known that, but the point was brought home to me with a very big bang a few days ago.

Our little girl. . . yes, the poet. . . has been struggling lately. She is a very headstrong young lady and has had a lot of problems getting her head on straight. On Thursday, she got suspended from school once again and this past Friday night, it all came to a head. I'm still not sure what exactly happened or why it escalated, but she is now in a locked, adolescent psych ward. Boy, that was difficult to blurt out! The cops came. Then the ambulance came. She's needed a better evaluation for a long, long time, even though she's been in therapy and under the care of an adolescent psychiatrist for about a year now. The way the laws are in this state, she would have to do something very drastic to herself or someone else to be put in an inpatient situation. We actually had an interview scheduled for a partial program this morning. The situation didn't wait until this morning.

She has caused a lot of trouble lately. Ray and I are older parents for this little one. She was our surprise. And the surprise has been on both of our last nerves. So we were shocked when it hit us how much we actually miss her. Since the ambulance pulled away on Friday night, I feel like someone sucker punched the breath right out of me. Ray is off and on in tears. He misses his little girl. Because of the way it happened, we can't bring her home until the State says we can. I've comforted others who have been in this position. Why can't I comfort myself?

Last night I called her. I was afraid she wouldn't talk to me, but she did. It was pleasant for a few minutes. Today I called her again. Told her we got permission to come visit tonight. She sounded happy about it. Tonight we went. We came bearing Burger King. Lil's favorite thing in the world is a BK Double Stacker. She can't have much else and the food has to be consumed during the visit or it gets thrown out. They called for her after we signed in and then. . . here she came bouncing down the hallway. Not sure what I expected, but she looked great. Her gleaming golden red hair was done nicely and she had clean clothes on. She had a big smile on her face. Hopefully, it was for us and not solely for the bag of food in my hand. What really made us feel better was when the nurse saw her, she said, "Lil, that's the first time you've smiled all day!"

Her roommate was sleeping so they let us into the school room for our visit. She told us she had passed a math test (miracle!). She told us she had made some friends. She told us about the facilities, especially the Wii, the basketball court and the large-screen TV with the good movies. She told us about the therapists she saw and what they talked about. Then we talked. . . the kidlet and me. Most of her issues are with me. I didn't need a professional to tell me that. I know. She said she wants to come home. We talked about what she will have to do and how she will have to behave. She said she wants to try again. So do we. I don't think she knows how much. I have to go see the family therapist on Thursday after Grace Talk Soup. Then they will decide if she can come home, possibly on Friday. She's in a short-term, crisis intervention facility and if they feel they can't send her home, they will have to find a more permanent placement for her. There's none in this end of the state so she will be a long way from home. We are praying for that not to happen.

I'm gonna say "when" she comes home. . .it won't be easy. She is headstrong. Wanna know a secret? Me, too. I love her almost more than life itself but, boy, oh boy, can we go at it. We will both have work to do, stepping up to the plate and forming a new covenant between us. It won't be easy. Will it be worth it? Oh, yeah. And nothing worth doing that much is ever easy.

Then came the real pain, pain that seared into my very soul. We had to leave her there. She wasn't too upset. She hugged me and said she was going to play some basketball with her new friends. She had a smile on her face. So did I. . . until the door locked shut behind us. Then it was all I could do to stand up and breathe. We are allowed to go back tomorrow night and Thursday night. Hopefully, she will be coming home Friday with me or us. I'm not so sure how many times I can hear that door lock behind me without her holding my hand. Say a prayer, K? I've said more than any of us will be able to count in three lifetimes.